All Smiles

Look who is smiling...

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Several times throughout my pregnancy with Landon people would refer to him as our "rainbow baby".  To be honest I didn't really know what they were talking about.  I just smiled and nodded and moved on.  I did some research on what a rainbow baby was and found out that a rainbow baby was when a family who lost a child goes on to have another child.  Cute?  Sure.  I suppose Landon is our rainbow baby.  It didn' really have too much of an impct on me and I sort of just forgot about it.  Earlier this week I came across this explanation...

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Wow!  Now this struck a chord with me!  How very true this is!  Last January Pat and I went through the biggest storm of our lives.  It was more than a storm, it was pure torture.  We hit rock bottom, but yet just a year later we have found ourselves on the other side of the rainbow.  We have found our own beauty from this storm.  Will we ever forget that storm?  NEVER!  It is permanently a part of us!  And now we have the most gorgeous reminder of that storm, but yet even bigger than that a reminder of HOPE.  Landon is our hope for the future, our hope for happiness, our hope in all that is good.  Landon is our rainbow baby and thank you sweet Jesus for sending him our way.  God knew how badly we needed this sweet little boy to heal our broken hearts and he allowed our storm to turn beautiful.  I love this side of the rainbow and I love this little boy and his big sister!

Slacker

I know I have not been the best blogger the past few weeks. My time is pretty consumed by one very cute little boy. And when he sleeps I do what all moms do.... I sit and stare at my precious baby. I can't help myself! I just love him so much and I can't do anything else but just marvel in how awesome it is that he is here. I will try my best to get back to more regular posts, but for now here are a few pictures of our sweet boy!

Twin Cousins

Early this morning my brother, Bill, and sister-in-law, Michelle, welcomed two beautiful baby boys into this world.  Gabriel and Nicholas were born at 9:38 and 9:39 am this morning.  We couldn't be more happy for them.  Landon is excited to have two boy cousins just his age (and one more on the way). 
Introducing Nick and Gabe Godefroid...

Nick was 6 pounds, 13 ounces and Gabe was 7 pounds, 1 ounce.  Just love them!

I know this is blurry, but you can kind of see it!

Nick and Gabe, Aunt Marissa loves you both!

 

Congrats to Bill and Michelle on two precious little boys!  And a big congratulations to the big brothers and sisters... Emily, Christopher, Anthony and Isabel. 

 

That's right... 6 kids!!!  I guess my big brother is following in my parents foot steps!  : )

The Question

With the weather being a bit warmer in the last few weeks we have found ourselves getting out of the house a little more.  We're finally getting the hang of packing up the diaper bag, timing out feedings, and bundling our little man up for a quick errand or two.  While I absolutely love showing off our bundle of joy it is inevitable that during almost every outing at least one person will ask, "Is this your first child?"  Ugh!  My heart about jumps out of my chest and I always feel the urge to vomit.  I've tried giving a quick nod "yes", smile and then awkwardly walk away, however this just isn't acceptable to me.  Although Landon is our only child here on earth he most definitely is not our only child and he is not our first.  Sometimes I will try to explain that I had a daughter about a year ago and that she was born with leukemia and she lived a very short time.  Then the person who I'm speaking to looks at me as though I have just ruined his/her day and walks on as quickly as they can.  I usually end up consoling them and telling them that it's ok.  Seriously!  It is so awkward!  I just hate it!  I want to speak about both of my children and not have it be so weird.  In the past few days I have found myself answering the dreaded question with, "he has an older sister in heaven."  This way I don't have to go into a long drawn out explanation and relive Paige's death over and over again yet I am acknowledging my daughter and her special place in our hearts.  It's crazy how one little question can be so hard to answer.  I refuse to ignore the fact that I have two children.  Paige is our daughter, Landon's big sister, a sweet granddaughter, niece, and cousin and I will gladly tell the world about her.

1 Month Stats & Dad Update

Today Landon went to the pediatrician for his one month well visit.  Everything looked great and we have a healthy baby boy on our hands.  Thank goodness!  Sadly, the poor guy had to get one shot...  the face he gave the nurse when she gave it to him was priceless.  He gave out one good scream, but that was it!  Tough little boy!  Our little man is growing great and has gained some lbs.  He now weighs 8 pounds, 13 ounces. and is 21.5 inches long.  That puts him in the 15th percentile for weight and the 43rd percentile for height.  The doctor was very pleased and gave him the thumbs up! 

Today dad came home from the hospital after udnergoing arm surgery yesterday.  Dad is in quite a bit of pain, but glad to be home.  His recovery time is expected to be about six weeks.  I don't know all the ins and outs of the surgery, but I do know they had to use cement to help repair... ouch!  The doctor told mom that most of the outerbone in dad's arm was dead but some of it still had a good blood supply.  Dad is just so happy that his arm in on the mend.  Now, we have to deal with this darn spot on his kidney.  When we know more on that I will update.  Thank you for all the prayers!

1 Month

Yesterday, Landon was 1 month old!  Oh my goodness, where did that month go?  I guess with Christmas, New Year's, Paige's birthday and angelversary and the craziness of life the past month flew by.  I just absolutely love being a mommy and I am head over heels for my little boy.  It has been so much fun watching him grow a bit, become more alert and having a ton of parties in the wee hours of the morning.  ;)  Gotta love those middle of the night feedings... it's actually one of the sweetest parts of the day.  Tomorrow we will have his 1 month check up at the pediatricians office, so I will update stats then.  Can't wait to hear how much our little man weighs!  At this point Landon loves his swing!  He sleeps in it, plays in it and is one happy baby when he is swinging away.  Landon also loves to cuddle and snuggle with mom and dad.  He is pretty content when he is hanging on the couch with dad!  Too precious for words!  Right now, Landon is eating every 2 - 2 1/2 hours during the day and about every 3 hours at night.  This makes for a pretty busy day for mommy.  It becomes a game of how much can I get accomplished between feedings, diaper changes and snuggle time.  Landon is doing great at tummy time.   He is just starting to like it.  A week ago I would of told you that he screamed through the whole thing... this has changed as of recently.  He is doing a great job holding his head up and moving it side to side.  Other than that Landon's day is spent sleeping and growing.  Oh, the life of a newborn!  Here are a few pictures of my attempt to get a one month pic....

Oh no!  Mom has the camera out again!

Maybe if I don't look at her she'll leave me alone!

She's seriously not going to leave me alone!

Fine I'll look at you, but I'm not going to smile.

We'll try again next month! 

Dad 3, Cancer 0

Dad beat prostate cancer!  Dad beat melanoma!  And now... DAD BEAT LYMPHOMA!  I am so happy and feel so blessed to announce that my dad is in REMISSION!  Praise Jesus!  I also must thank my sweet precious girl, Paige.  There is not a doubt in my mind that my sweet angel has been fighting right along side her grandpa this entire time.  I know she worked her "angel magic" to make sure her grandpa got well.  My family is overjoyed by this news and we can't thank you enough for all of your prayers over the past 5 months.  We appreciate every single one and we know God heard and answered each and every one.  There is still a spot on one of dad;s kidneys.  He will see a urologist to take care of that.  As of now we do not know if it is cancerous or not.  Dad will have surgery on his arm this Tuesday, January 10th.  I can't tell you how proud I am of my dad.  He fought hard, he didn't give up and he conquered!  Today is a GREAT day!  Please continue prayers for a great surgery on Tuesday and then for a quick resolution to the spot on his kidney.

Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust Him, and He will help you.
Psalm 37:5

Big Thanks & Big Prayers

I can't say thank you enough for all the sweet words, comments, texts, phone calls, and prayers over the past few days.  They have meant the world to our family and they have truly helped us to put one foot in front of the other and get through this tough week.  Only one more "1st" anniversary to go... that's Sunday... Paige's funeral.  Yuck!  Just typing my daughter's name and the word funeral in the same sentence is torture.  I will never forget the feelings I had walking into the funeral home that cold January morning last year.  Picking out a casket for a baby so small is heart wrenching and just not fair.  However, Paige deserved a beautiful funeral ceremony and her daddy and I gave her just that.  Thanks again for all the prayers, you will never know how much they lift us up.

BIG PRAYERS NEEDED!

Tomorrow morning my dad will go for his big PET scan.  All of his chemotherapy, all of his sickness, all of his pain, all of his dedication to get better comes down to this one scan.  Please pray that his body is cancer free!  Please pray that my dad can pick up his life where he left off in the fall.  Please pray for peace for my dad and mom tomorrow morning as they anxiously awaits the scan and then the results.  Please just pray!  If dad's scan comes out clear then he can have his arm surgery on January 10th to fix his broken arm.  Dad so badly wants his arm fixed, so we are praying hard that surgery will be a go!  Again, thank you for all the prayers thus far for my dad.... PLEASE don't stop!  Jesus and Paige are listening... talk to them!  :)

Paige's 1st Angelversary

I've tried to reflect and really think about the past year especially the first week of January in 2011.  I wouldn't say I failed because I have reflected a lot, I've prayed a lot and I thought about those few days over and over in my head.  Unfortunately, I can't come up with the words to describe my feelings, my emotions, my heart.  Today my heart breaks knowing that my sweet girl has been gone for a full year.  How did I live a full year without her?  Some days it seemed impossible to go on and others I felt lifted up by her presence.  Every new day was different and I couldn't predict what each new day would bring.  This past year I have felt emotions that I didn't know were possible.  I suffered a loss that no human being should have to endure.  I grew closer to my husband and grew stronger in faith all because of a sweet little girl.  My life changed forever in 2011 and I will never be the me I was in 2010.  That person is gone.  I live my life completely different... I now live a post-Paige life.  A life where I don't take a single thing for granted.  A life where I don't go to bed without telling my husband and son how much I love them.  A life where I cherish every moment because I never know when that could be my last.  A life where I put complete faith in God and trust in His plan for me.  A life where there is no room for judgement.  My life is different now all because of my little girl.  Paige did this, she changed me, she changed her daddy, she changed so many in three short days.  A year has gone by since I last held my little girl in my arms, but not a day will go by that she won't consume my heart.

On January 4, 2011 I held my sweet baby girl in my arms and told her it was ok to go and be with Jesus.  At 1:04 pm Paige Jordan Steinhoff went to heaven and she has been missed every second since.

My Sweet Paige,

You will never know how much your daddy and I love you and miss you.  Our hearts ache that we couldn't do anything to help you.  You were just too perfect and too precious and Jesus wanted you in heaven.  He got you and a piece of our hearts along with you.  You have taught us so much about life and love and we will be better parents to your baby brother because of you.  Although my heart breaks today I know what a joyous occasion this must be for you.  You have a had a full year to be in the arms of Jesus and to feel His love.  You are such a special little girl and we are so proud of you.  You will never know the countless lives you have touched and how much good came from your short three days here on earth.  Paige, continue to watch over your crazy family... God knows we need you!  Continue to touch lives and change the world.  We love you sweetheart!

Love,
Mommy

Our Angel....

And here is Landon's 1st picture with his sister...

One year ago...

One year ago ... I woke up in Barnes Jewish hospital with a positive attitude and with all the fight I needed to get through my daughter's illness.  Later that day the fight was sucked right out of me as I learned just how sick Paige really was.

One year ago ... I sat in a room full of doctors as they sat there and told my husband and I that my daughter's many illnesses were not compatible to life.

One year ago ... I watched the hearts of those same doctors break right along with mine as we came to terms that Paige's life with us was coming to an end.

One year ago ... my husband and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives.  We knew we had to let Paige go to Jesus.

One year ago ... family and friends poured into Children's Hospital to meet our precious baby girl.

One year ago ... Pat and I sat up all night with our little angel knowing it would be the last night we had her here with us.

One year ago ... was the last full day Paige had on this earth.

One year ago ... will haunt me forever.

One year ago ... seems like yesterday.

Paige-a-Palooza 2012

Yesterday, on Paige's 1st Birthday Pat and I hosted the1st Annual Paige-a-Palooza in celebration of the amazing life of our sweet baby girl.  We want Paige's birthday each year to be a celebration of life, a remembrance of how she changed each of us and a time for us to come together with family and friends.  Yesterday's Paige-a-Palooza was just that!  I have so much to say about my baby girl, but right now I am not able to compile all my thoughts.  I have so many things swimming around in my head and I need some time to let it all sink in.  This week's posts will all be dedicated to Paige.  This week will be a difficult one.  Yesterday was Paige's first birthday, however Wednesday will be Paige's 1st Angelversary, the day she went to be with Jesus.  More on that to come.... 

Here are some pics from yesterday's Paige-a-Palooza!

Landon's party shirt

It wouldn't be a party without a few decorations!

Getting ready to send Paige her birthday balloons!

Our family of four

In 2011 I learned...

...you don't have to be president of the united states to change lives.

...you don't have to be a preacher to tell people about Jesus.

...you don't have to be here long to teach people about love, faith and joy.

...and you don't ever know what tomorrow will bring so thank god for your day. everyday.

...you can never say i love you too much

...I've learned that friends are my fuel. friends are my life lines. They bring me so much joy.

...i've learned family is everything. everything.

...I've learned that how children view their faith is magical. They believe in the place called heaven.

 

Thank you for the gifts this year. They came wrapped in joy, trust, comfort, strength, hope, faith and love.