1st, 4th, 8th

I feel as if I will always hate the first week of every month.  On the first of every month I think about the night I gave birth (January 1, 2011).  It went nothing like I imagined and unfortunately I have horrible memories from that night.  All I can really remember is having my baby pulled out of me and rushed to Children's hospital and later learning that she was diagnosed with leukimia.  Gut wrenching!  I still feel sick thinking about it.  On the fourth of every month I am reminded of the day my baby left and went to be with Jesus (January 4, 2011).  I'll never forget holding my three day old baby in my arms and telling her that it was ok to go to Heaven.  No mommy should have to do that.  It is and will forever be the hardest thing I will ever have to do.  Finally, on the eighth of the month I am stung with the memories of my babies funeral (January 8, 2011).  I remember all I could think about was that they shouldn't have to make caskets that small.  Needless to say, today has been rough.  Very rough.  I feel like I relive those awful days during the first week of every month.  Granted it's only been three months, but it's hard to see light at the end of the tunnel, when all I want is for the pain to go away.  I know I have to learn to live with this pain, it's part of my new normal.  I continue to pray that Jesus gives me strength and guides me along this broken path.  I have faith that there will be a day where I experience true happiness again.

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

Psalm 103:8

3 Months

Today my heart has officialy been broken for 3 months.  Time sure does fly (even when you're NOT having fun)!  As I think back over the past three months there are so many thoughts that run through my head.  I first think about everything I've missed out on not having Paige here.  How many kisses did I not get to give her?  How many poopy diapers did I not get to change?  How many sweet outfits did I not get to put her in?  How many nights did I not get to rock her to sleep?  I try not to think this way, but I do.  I want to do mommy things.  I want to hold my sweet baby.  I want to love on her and protect her and care for her.  After I have my little pity party for myslef, I start to think about all the wonderful things I got to experience because of Paige.  I got to carry her for 9 wonderful months.  I got to hold her in my arms.  I got to kiss her.  I got to tell her how much I loved her.  And then I got to tell her it was ok to go and be with Jesus.  I was holding my baby girl when her soul left this earth.  That's not something that every mommy gets to do.  I gave my baby to Jesus three months ago and I know she is healthy and happy in Heaven.  I miss her like crazy and can't wait for the day that I get to hold her in my arms again. 

Paige just moments before she went to be with Jesus in Heaven


Faith is to believe what we do not see;
the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.
-Saint Augustine

Results

Waiting for results of all our tests and Paige's autopsy reports has been extremely difficult.  I didn't feel like I could begin to heal until I had some closure with all of this.  Thankfully, yesterday we started to receive some answers to our questions.  First, we heard from the geneticist and the blood work that Pat and I had done came back negative.  This means that neither Pat nor I had the same deletion in chromosone 19 that Paige had.  The doctor told me that he believes that Paige's situation was just a horrible fluke and not something that Pat or I passed onto her.  Whew!  Thank you Jesus!  We also heard from one of Paige's doctors from Children's and today her team of doctors met with the pathologist to go over the first set of autopsy results.  Most of these results we already knew (the deletion in chromosone 19 and the translocation of chromosone 11 and 19) however the doctor did tell me that my poor baby had the leukimia EVERYWHERE!  It was in every organ, in her blood, in her bone marrow... EVERYWHERE!  How she survived nine months in me and three days on this earth is beyond me?!?!?!?  What a little fighter!  I know how blessed I am to have gotten to hold and kiss my sweet baby.  I wish I could hold and kiss her for a lifetime, but to have her here for even just three days is truly a blessing!  We are still waiting for her neuro report, but it will probably be another month or two before we hear anything.  Got to love the waiting game.  I'm still processing all of this information so I can't truly say how I'm feeling right now.  My prayer is that these results will help my heart to begin to heal from this horrible loss.  

Delivered

Today my sister Marcia and I delivered another large amount of Paige's Pretties to the NICU.    Along with the hats and bows we also took blankets, booties, and sweaters.  Thanks to one of Paige's sweet nurses we were able to take the pretties up to the NICU.  I had mixed feelings about this.  It will always be hard to walk into Children's Hospital because I immediately think back to that awful day when I was rushed down there to be with my sick baby.  Today I was much braver than I expected.  I thought being on the 5th floor (NICU) I would get choked up and nervous.  I definitely felt nervous, but I kept my strength.  Lydia (Paige's nurse) told me how much everyone loves Paige's Pretties.  She told me how happy it made the mommy's and daddy's.  It gave me a sense of peace with being there.  I don't want to have negative thoughts about Children's Hospital because in my opinion it is the very best hospital filled with the most compassionate and loving nurses and doctors I've ever met.  Starting today I want to have positive thoughts about going back to the NICU.  I want to think about the smiles Paige's Pretties are putting on the faces of many scared parents and how sweet those babies look with the big bows and flowers on their heads.  I truly hope I can continue Paige's Pretties for many years to come!

There are so many people I need to thank.  There is no way I could do this myself!!!  My mom and sisters spent an entire day at my house making bows and packaging them.  My sweet friends Nicole and Jenny continuosly make little booties for the babies. My crafty mother-in-law made beauiful blankets and sweaters for the little ones.  Many great friends and even some strangers have donated time and money to help create and fund Paige's Pretties.  I can't thank you all enough.  It gives me great joy and comfort knowing that we are helping others and bringing some joy in a time of overwhelming grief.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

Paige's "NEW" Pretties

I have said so many times how theraputic Paige's Pretties has been for me.  I love making these bows and hats knowing that they are going to sweet baby girls who are fighting a tough battle.  Baby girls who deserve to get healthy and strong.  Although I don't have the magic tools to make them healthy, in a sense I feel that Paige's Pretties can give them some joy and I believe that my Paige's spirit is with them and fighting the battle right along side these innocent babies.

I'm getting ready to take another large amount of Paige's Pretties to the NICU, however, not only are the baby girls going to be getting bows, some will be getting the newest addition...flowers!  Hand-made flowers!  Thanks to my very crafty, very sweet friend Nicole I have learned how to make these adorable flowers to add to the headbands. They are just precious!!!  Take a look for yourself....

These pictures don't really do justice to how precious these flowers are.
I just love them!

Flowers are not the only new addition to Paige's Pretties my ever-so-talented friends Nicole and Jenny are making the most adorable booties for both the baby girls and boys.  When I say adorable, I mean.... ADORABLE!!!!  They are just the sweetest... here's a peek at the cute booties:

Paige's Pretties and the cute booties will be delivered to the NICU very soon I hope.  Thanks to the "3/4 Club" (some very sweet 3rd and 4th grade teachers from my school) Paige's Pretties will now be delivered in style...

The 3/4 Club gave me this adorable bag to carry all of Paige's Pretties!

Thanks girls, you're the best!

The bag is fully loaded and ready to go, but I need some help.....

Calling All St. Louis Children's Hospital

NICU Nurses....

I want so badly to deliver these to the 5th floor myself, however, each time I come I'm stopped at the 2nd floor security and not allowed to come up.  Is there a way that I can bring these up to the NICU myself??? If any of you have a solution, please contact me... paigespretties@gmail.com

THANK YOU!!!!

Ready for Delivery!



It's so bitter sweet when I finish making a bundle of bows.  I'm so excited to take them to the NICU, but I want nothing more than to be placing them on my baby girl's head.  I miss Paige so much!!!  I still stand outside her nursery door daily just praying that I can open it up and she'll be napping in her crib.  I know that as I make each Paige's Pretty she is up in Heaven watching me with a big bow on her head just smiling!!!

I love you Paige!

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.

Psalm 28:7

 

Retail Therapy & Good Friends

One of the many perks of being a teacher is Spring Break!  Gotta love it!  It always seems to come right when you need it most... when you are worn down and so tired that you don't think you can go another day.  This year it has really helped with my transition back to work.  When I returned at the ened of February I knew I only had to make it three weeks before I got another week off.  It made it a lot easier for me.  For the past few years all the girls on my team at school go to the lake for a few nights for shopping, fun and relaxation.  We always have a blast.  These girls have helped me through each and everyday.  They listen when all I want to do is talk about Paige and they can take my mind off everything when I need a break.  They are true friends and I am so thankful they are in my life.  We left Sunday morning and hit the outlet mall in the Ozarks.  We spent all day yesterday relaxing and just enjoying eachothers company.  We just got back a little while ago and I'm so thankful I got to spend the last few days with these amazing ladies.  Thanks girls! 

Retail therapy.... let's clarify now that shopping is one of my most favorite things to do....IF... I get a good deal!  And did I ever!  Obviously, shopping and purchasing will never heal my broken heart or bring my baby girl back but it was a lot of fun!

Here is my most favorite purchase....




I'm only a little excited about my amazing deal! :)
Not my first Coach purse, but the first one I purchased myself!

Besides shopping we also did a lot of my second most favorite thing to do... eat!  I love yummy food!  To burn some of the many calories we ate we played Just Dance and Just Dance 2 on the Wii for 5 HOURS last night!!!  It was so much fun... we had an absolute blast!  I had so much fun...

 I bought the game!  I'm hoping my nieces and nephews will come over to play with me, maybe I can burn off some of this extra weight I have left from the pregnancy. 

Overall, my spring break is off to a great start.  I was able to get my mind off of everything (school work, house work, getting blood test and autopsy reports back, etc...).  I hope to spend the rest of my break with my nieces and nephews and making lots of Paige's Pretties!!!!!

How Sweet it Is

Since my Paige went to Heaven I know she has touched the lives of so many.  I am tickled every time someone tells me how my angel has impacted them.  It's the best feeling to know that Paige is present in so many people.  Talking about Paige is my favorite thing to do, but I'm her mom....of course I love to talk about her and think about her.  It's the most wonderul feeling when others tell me stories about her.  I wanted to share a few because for one I don't want to forget them and two I thought they may make you smile...

* My friend Nicole has a sweet little girl named Audrey.  Today Nicole and Audrey went to visit Paige's Garden (that's what I call the cemetery).  Audrey insisted on taking Paige a butterfly (melts my heart).  When they left Audrey blew Paige a kiss and said, "See you later alligator!"  I just know that Paige responded, "After while crocodile!"  :)

*At school this week a sweet little boy in my class picked up the picture of Paige that I have on my desk and said, "Mrs. Steinhoff, I sure do miss Paige".  I said, "I miss her too sweetie".  He said, "I sure did love her."  I had to hold back the flood gates!!!!

Little things like this make my heart smile and are so healing to me.  Please don't be afraid to share stories like this with me.  They don't make me sad, they make me so happy to know that Paige is being remembered.