1 Year Anniversary

Today Pat and I are celebrating our 1 year wedding anniversary!  I'm so blessed to be married to a wonderful man, a great daddy and my very best friend.  Pat and I have been through more ups and downs in our first year of marriage than most people have to encounter in a lifetime.   Although we have suffered a great loss, Pat and I have managed to become closer and love one another more and more everyday.  He is my rock and my strength.  I thank God everyday that He brough Pat into my life.  I would not want to walk the road of life with anyone else by my side. 

One year ago!

Love...always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:7

Heaven is for Real

Thank you so much for all of the sweet comments, e-mails, phone calls and most of all prayers!  Pat and I are so grateful for your continued love and support as we prepare to welcome our second child to this world.  I can't begin to describe the crazy rollercoaster of emotions I have felt over the past two months.  I am overwhelmed with joy that God chose me to carry yet another miracle to bring into this world.  It's the most amazing feeling and I'm filled with happiness.  Although I am rejoicing for the life inside of me my heart still aches for my Paige.  I woke up angry this morning (I hate when I do that).  I want my little girl.  It's so unfair and it's so hard to understand, yet my heart knows it has to trust in the Lord.  I recently read an amazing book.  It's called "Heaven is For Real".  This book is a true story of a young boy's journey to Heaven and back.  I encourage everyone to read it.  It's an easy read and one of those books you just can't put down.. WARNING... you'll need a box of kleenex near.  This book gave me so much comfort and relief knowing that my Paige is in Heaven.  It validates what I always thought was true, but now I know.  Paige was welcomed to Heaven by Jesus, her great grandpas, her great grandmas her great uncle and many others who have gone before us.  Paige knows her mommy and daddy and one day we will hold her in our arms again. 

Please continue to pray for baby #2.  I will be posting many updates along the way and even some pictures of my growing belly.  This is something I did not do with Paige and I deeply regret it.  I feel like that is nine months of her precious life I don't have now.  So, be prepared for lots of pictures. 

For in Him we live and move and have our being.

Acts 17:28

Our Miracles

It wasn't until Paige was born that Pat and I truly understood what a miracle a human life is.  It's a beautiful thing!  Our Paige was a miracle and she brought us so much happiness and joy in her few short days.  The love we have for sweet Paige can never be replaced.  On April 10, Pat and I found out that we would be receiving yet another miracle!  Yes, that's right... I'M

We are absolutely thrilled and overwhelmed with happiness.  Of course there are a lot of emotions and feelings that we will feel throughout this pregnancy.  I am just about 13 weeks along and feeling pretty well.  Baby Steinhoff #2 is due December 16!  We like to think of it as a little Christmas present from our Paige.  There is not a doubt in my mind that my baby girl is playing a part in all of this.  I know she's watching out for her baby brother or sister.  I went to the doctor this morning and our little wiggle worm looks great!  He/She is very active, of course I can't feel movement yet, but I sure can't wait to feel that first kick.  Here is a picture of our little miracle from this morning...

We are asking for 2 specific prayer requests...

1.  Please pray that this baby is healthy and continues to grow strong.

2.  Please pray for our strength throughout this pregnancy.  We are extremely nervous and we are            doing our best to stay calm.  We're aksing God to keep us strong and faithful thoughout this pregnancy.

...there is no other GOD who is able to deliver like this.

Daniel 3:29

A Cousins Love

Five months ago today my baby went to Heaven.  It's been a hard five months, but the love of family and friends continues to carry us.  My precious nieces and nephews talk about their cousin Baby Paige all the time.  I LOVE IT!  I love that most of them are old enough that they will always have the memory of her life.  They know she was real, they know that they loved her, and they know that she is with Jesus now.  I hope that they pray to their cousin a lot... I know she's listening.

This past week we celebrated Paige's 5 month birthday.  I use the term "celebrated" because we do celebrate that our precious angel was in our lives even if it was just a few short days.  Pat and I went and got ice cream to celebrate her birthday and so many family and friends called to recognize our sweet girl.  My sister, Maria, takes her kids to Paige's garden each month on her birthday.  Usually, they take flowers and give them to Paige.  My four year old nephew, Cole, had a different idea this month.  Maria told Cole that they would be taking flowers to Paige's garden that day and Cole replied, "No mom, I want to take her hot wheels.  That other kid had hot wheels."  So Cole picked a few of his hot wheels to take to Paige and asked Maria, "Do you think Paige will like the slow ones ok?"  Haha!  He didn't want to part with his fast cars! 

Here are a few pictures of Paige receiving her hot wheels!  I bet they go fast in Heaven!

If these next few pictures don'y show TRUE LOVE, than I don't know what will...  I LOVE LOVE LOVE THESE PICTURES!!!!  Cole and Kate, thanks for loving Paige so much!  I know she loves you with all her heart!

By day the LORD directs His love,
   at night His song is with me...

Psalm 42:8

5 Months

Today marks Paige's 5 month birthday.  I can't imagine what my life would be like with a five month old, but it's something I long for everyday!  I want that sweet baby girl in my arms more than anything.  I want to hold her so tight and protect her from all harm.  These thoughts are all part of my new normal.  I'm sure I will have the desire to see Paige, to hold Paige, to kiss Paige and tell her how much I love her for the rest of my life.  Those feelings will never go away.  I'll always long for my precious daughter.  Facing reality is getting a little more bareable with each passing month.  I think I'm realizing that this is not just a bad dream that I'll wake up from.  I have a child in Heaven and I will forever be the mommy that lost her newborn baby to leukimia.  That will never go away.  That's my reality and I have to live with it. 

Pat and I often go and visit Paige at her garden (aka the cemetery).  I used to think the cemetery was a dark, sad place but I no longer have those thoughts.  I feel close to Paige there.  I know only her physical body is there and not her spirit, but yet I long to be close to her and that's where I feel closest to my baby.  I find myself just going there and talking to her sometimes for long periods of time.  I tell her about our family, I tell her about her silly daddy and crazy mom,  I pray to her, I cry to her and soemtimes I just sit there in silence.  Paige is buried in the "Garden of Angels".  This is a part of the cemetery only for children.  It's a pretty place surrounded by greenery.  I often see other parents there "visiting" their children.  I never speak to them, but it's like we have an unspoken language.  A language of love and understanding for one another's pain and broken heart.  We exchange smiles and deep down I know they know just how I feel.  Here is a picture of Paige's place in the garden.

Sweet Paige,

    Happy 5 months baby girl!  How I wish I was holding you in my arms for this milestone in your life, but today I am confident that you are in the arms of Jesus.  I love you with all my heart and miss you more than ever.  I went shopping on Saturday and as I passed the baby clothes I found myself holding onto the most precious swimming suit that would be just your size.  In just two days I'll be finished teaching and I had such big plans for us this summer.  I couldn't wait to take you for walks and go to Aunt Marla's pool and even take a trip to the Zoo.  I'm sure you've experienced all of these fun things in Heaven, but I wish I was the one taking you.  We were going to travel a few weekends with daddy for baseball and have so much fun during the week with all three of us at home.  This summer will be so hard without you.  Our hearts hurt without you.  Sweet girl, your loved so much... more than you'll ever know.  We miss you and we love you!

Hugs and Kisses,

Mommy







Paige's Pretties Trivia Night

Amazing!  It's as simple as that.  From the ladies that organized the event, to the people who came out in support, to the money raised for Paige's Pretties... all I can say is AMAZING!  Last night's Trivia Night was a huge success.  The evening was so much fun and ran so smoothly.  It was so nice to be surrounded by family, friends and even some people we didn't know to support Paige's Pretties and the NICU.  Last night my amazing friends raised over $5,000 for Paige's Pretties.  Pat and I have big dreams and we hope to do a lot in memory of our sweet Paige. The bow making will continue and I have big hopes for much much more!  Thank you to everyone for their support, generosity and love!  We are overwhelmed by it all and continue to be humbled by the pure thoughtfulness of others. 



The ladies who did it all!
Back Row: Angela, Julie, Me, Jenni, Rachel, Lou Ann
Front Row: Kristy, Stacey, Nicole
Emily & Sheila left before this picture :(

These are the t-shirts the workers and my family wore for Trivia Night.
The girls had pink shirts and the boys had black.
Just love them!



My mom, Marcia, Maria, Marla (my 3 sisters) and Me



My friend Tara and I

The whole night was a blast and I can't wait to share everything we will do with the money raised!  Of course, the bow making will begin very soon!  I know the NICU is in need of some pronto!

This was all for you my sweet girl.  We will never forget you!  Love you so much! 

For great is His love toward us,
   and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.

Psalm 117:2

Mommy, Please Don't Cry

When my mind gets wandering and I'm thinking of my sweet baby girl I constantly wander what she is doing now.  Where is she?  Where is Heaven?  Who takes care of her?  Afterall, I am a mommy and mommy's worry about their little ones.  When I start feeling lost and confused I often curl up on the couch with Paige's blanket and re-read one of my favorite books, "Mommy, Please Don't Cry" by Linda Deymaz, who lost her little girl in 1995.  I actually received two of these books after Paige went to Heaven.  I keep one next to my bed and the other copy in our family room.  This way it is always close to me when I need it!  I love the whole book, but I have my very favorite pages.  Here are a few that I just absolutely love and one day I will get to expereince Heaven with my sweet Paige.

"Mommy, please don't cry...we have lots of parties here; with streamers and hats and the best chocolate cake ever."

"When it's time to rest angels tuck us in.  I never get scared Mommy, there is no darkness here!  Jesus is the light of Heaven!"

"Mommy, please don't cry... sometimes I just like to be by myself, that's when I think of you.  Someday, Mommy, we will hold each other tight!  Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together."

"I have lots of friends, Mommy, we run and play, we giggle and laugh, I can't wait to show you my secret hideouts!"

"Mommy, please don't cry... I'll wait right here for you."

Ironically, I always seem to cry through the entire book.  Some of those tears are happy tears.  I know my precious baby is in a much better place without any evil or sadness.  I long to feel that soft skin again and kiss those sweet cheeks.  This book gives me a sense of relief knowing that my Paige is in Heaven and being taken care of. 

My Precious Paige,
     Not a second goes by that I don't long to hold you in my arms.  At times mommy's arms hurt so bad because I just want to hold you once more.  Paige, I can't believe it's been almost five months since you so quickly came into our lives and just as quickly had to leave.  I can't even begin to tell you all the lives you have touched.  Because of you many people have been brought back to their Faith in Jesus.  Hundreds of babies in the NICU have received pretties in your honor.  Many mommy's and daddy's love on their children a little more each night because of you.  You're life has changed so many and I am so proud of you.  On Friday night, many of mommy's friends are hosting the first ever Paige's Pretties Trivia Night in your memory.  Family, friends and strangers will gather to remember you and help support Children's Hospital.  I can't wait to give back to the hospital where you spent your short life.  Unfortunately, many mommy's and daddy's have to spend many scary nights within those walls of the NICU.  It is my hope that we can make their experience a little better by giving back to the NICU.  Mommy has big dreams to live out your memory and to tell the story of my little fighter.  Paige, daddy and I love you so much!  We miss you more than you could ever imagine and we know that one day we will get to hold you in arms again. 

Much love, hugs and kisses!
Mommy

PS-  I hope you got to have chocolate cake tonight!