Happy 6 Months Paige!

I am almost in shock as I type those words... 6 months... how can that be?  Six months since I last held my precious baby.  It stills seems like yesterday to me.  I guess that's good and bad.  Good, because I have such clear and vivid memories of Paige's three days on this earth and I don't want to lose those memories.  Bad, because the wounds are still fresh and they hurt so bad.  Many people tell me that the pain lessens as time goes on.  Granted it's only been six months since Paige went to be with Jesus, but it still hurts just as bad as it did when it happened.  I've learned to deal with my sadness and I'm getting used to this "ugly" new normal, but the pain is not getting any less.  The thing that hurts the worse is that I can't even imagine myself with a six month old right now.  Maybe because we never brought Paige home to our house, we never got to put her to bed in her own nursery, we never sat up late at night feeding her and changing endless diapers.  We never got to be normal new parents.  Don't get me wrong I would do ANYTHING to have Paige here today, seriously ANYTHING!  I'd give my own life for my little girl to be ok.  Although I want her here with me, it's still hard to imagine because I never got to do normal "mommy" things.  You know the saying "time flies when your having fun".... well I got news for you...  time flies even when you're heart hurts, life sucks, and you have hit rock bottom.  Life still flies.  It goes so quickly and Paige has taught her daddy and I to not take a single second for granted.  Each new day is a gift and nothing is gauranteed.  We treasure eachother, we treasure our familes, we treasure our friends and we treasure this new baby inside of me so much more than we ever dreamed possible.  Paige did not get to stay on earth for very long, but the lessons my baby girl taught us are endless, priceless and the kind of lessons that will last a lifetime.  Paige has forever changed us and for that we are grateful.  Today my baby girl is celebrating her 6 month birthday in Heaven with Jesus.  I bet they have the best birthday parties there.  I wish I could have a free day pass to Heaven to be with her today. 

Dear Jesus,
    Today is my baby girl's 6 month birthday.  Please hold her extra tight today, give her lots of love, shower her with presents, and tell her over and over again how much her mommy and daddy love her.  I know Paige is so very special otherwise you wouldn't of needed her in Heaven so quickly.  Her life has given us great joy and she has taught us so much about You.  Please take good care of our angel on her special day and always!

Love,
Marissa


My Sweet Paige,

    Happy 6 month birthday sweetheart!  I bet you're growing so quickly and learning to do new many new things in Heaven.  I'm sorry we can't be there with you, but please know you are always in our hearts.  Not a second goes by that we don't think about you.  We talk about you everyday and we can't wait for your brother or sister to arrive so we can tell him/her all about you and how very special you are.  Paige, you have blessed us more than you can imagine and have given us so much joy.  We are so proud of you and so thankful that we were chosen to be your mommy and daddy.  We think it's such an honor.  You will always be our precious first child and you will never be replaced.  We love you with all our hearts and miss you so much! 

All our love,
Mommy & Daddy

16 Weeks

I am doing my 16 week post today and not tomorrow because tomorrow is Paige's day...her 6 month birthday.  More on that tomorrow...

I am now 16 weeks pregnant with Baby #2 and I feel like my belly is getting bigger and bigger :)  I guess it's supposed to do that!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 16 weeks

Size of baby: 4.5 inches long and about 3.5 ounces
Maternity Clothes: Mostly I wear sundresses, so those are fitting over the baby bump. If I wear pants that button, maternity are a must, but I can still squeeze into my own shirts and comfy pants.

Gender: We'll find out in mid-July!!!!  Don't forget to vote on our baby poll:)

Movement: I felt the first little kick this week!  It was late at night when
I was laying very still.  It was pretty soft, but definitely the baby.
Symptoms: I can't complain about a thing!
What I miss: My husband!  He's been out of town all week coaching baseball.  I can't wait for him to get back!
Cravings: So last week I mentioned that I have lost my sweet tooth, which is true, however, I still LOVE ice cream.  I can't get enough of it!

What I am looking forward to: My next appointment, one week from today! 



16 weeks pregnant!
Sorry it's a little dark...



...according to Your love remember me,
for You, LORD, are good.
Psalm 35:7

15 Weeks

I am now 15 weeks with Baby Steinhoff #2!!!  These weeks are flying by... usually I wouldn't wish for my life to pass by so quickly, but right now I love it.  I want to hold this little one in my arms so badly.  I can't wait for Christmas!  This may be the only year that I enjoy the stores putting Christmas decorations out in early October!  Ha! 

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 15 weeks

Size of baby: 4 inches long and about 2.5 ounces.

Maternity Clothes: Mostly I wear sundresses, so those are fitting over the baby bump. If I wear pants, maternity are a must, but I can still squeeze into my own shirts.

Gender: We'll find out in mid-July!!!!  Don't forget to vote on our baby poll:)

Movement: Not much yet, however, when I'm laying in bed I swear I feel little flutters. 

I can't wait for that first big kick!

Symptoms: Very little nausea in the evenings.

What I miss: My energy and motivation to do normal things!

Cravings: I crave what I see.  It's pretty pathetic actually, I feel like I have to have it right then!  I am not into sweets very much, which is very strange for me.. I usually have the biggest  sweet tooth.

What I am looking forward to: My appointment July 7, that little heartbeat is music to my ears!

15 weeks!

Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for Him...

Psalm 37:7

Baby Poll

Pat and I are so excited to find out what Baby Steinhoff #2 will be... boy or girl?!?!?  Join in our fun and vote on the right side of the blog.  This is obviously just for fun and of course we will be so thrilled with a boy or girl.  There is just something about being able to call our little wiggle worm he or she and not it!  Ha!

Our next ultrasound can not come soon enough!!!  It will be the "big" ultrasound and of course there is the excitement of finding out the sex of the baby, however, I have a lot of anxiety building up to that day.  I want to see healthy organs and a healthy baby kicking in me.  I never realized how naive I was when I was pregnant with Paige.  I rarely felt any nerves and the thought of something going wrong never crossed my mind.  I was pregnant and I was going to have a baby..end of story...so I thought.  How quickly life can change.  My stress is high and every little ache or pain feels like my world could come to an end... sounds dramatic I know.. but it's my reality right now.  I'm scared out of my mind and I just continue to put my faith in the Lord that he will protect this child and keep him/her healthy! 

Satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love,
   that we may sing for joy...

Psalm 90:14

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dad's out there!  Today is one of those bittersweet days.  We are so thankful for both of our miracles, but it hurts so bad not to have our Paige in our arms.  Paige and baby #2 are very lucky.... they have an amazing daddy!  Patrick is an incredible person and a father who loves both of his children with all of his heart.  His strength amazes me daily and he will do anything to make sure his baby girl is not forgotten.  I look forward to the day when I can watch my husband hold our children in his arms and love on them like I know he longs to.  I know Paige is watching over her daddy today and sending a little extra love.  Hapy Father's Day, Pat.  I love you!

Paige is also sending down some extra love for her Grandpa and Papa.  Pat and I are both so very blessed to have amazing father's in our lives.  We both learned a lot about unconditional love this year and we soon realized the love our parents have for us.  Neither of us would be where we are today without our father's.  Happy Father's Day Grandpa and Papa!  Enjoy your day, we love you!

Grandpa and Paige

Papa and Paige

...may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love really is.

Ephesians 3:18

14 Weeks

I am now 14 weeks pregnant with baby #2.  We won't find out the gender of the baby until mid-July.  We are so anxious to know if I'm growing a baby girl or baby boy inside me.  Either way, we will be thrilled and our prayer continues to be for GOOD HEALTH!!!!   I've mentioned in a previous post how sad I was that I did not take weekly pictures of my pregnancy with Paige.  I feel like that's nine months of my precious baby that I don't have any more.  I won't make the same mistake twice.  So, this is the first of my weekly posts of my growing belly with baby #2.

I've been feeling pretty well lately.  My "morning" sickness seems to hit me late afternoon into the evening.  Overall, I can't complain.  I'm a pretty happy mama growing this miracle inside of me.  I'm already beginning to show.  This is a lot sooner than I did with Paige, however, they do say that baby #2 pops out much quicker.  (It doesn't help that I hadn't lost all the baby weight from Paige before this pregnancy!)  I don't mind showing, it's just proof of the precious life inside of me.... and I love love love it! 

Here I am at 14 weeks!

Please keep those prayers coming for this sweet baby.  Specifically, we are asking God for good health for the baby and strength for Pat and I as we walk this scary road. 

For great is His love toward us,
   and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.

Psalm 117:2

My Sweet Paige

The past three months have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Excitement and joy over the news of our second miracle and the scariness that something could possibly go wrong.  My sweet Paige has been helping me through this crazy time.  I talk to her constantly and I can just feel her presence when I need her most.  Paige will always be our first born child, nobody will ever replace her.  Our future children will learn all about their big sister and how special she was.  We will celebrate her birthday every year and her pictures will never leave our home.  Paige will always be a part of us and our family.  I wanted to share the letter I wrote Paige that my mom read for me at Paige's funeral.  I have not shared this letter on here yet because it is difficult to relive the emotions and the nightmare of that night.  Today I read it for the first time since the funeral (almost six months ago) I went through about six boxes of kleenex but it was so worth it.  I love remembering how special my baby girl is to me. 

To My Sweet, Baby Girl,

Words cannot explain the joy and excitement your daddy and I had when we found out that we were going to have a baby girl.  We made so many proud phone calls that day sharing our life changing news.  Daddy cried tears of joy and mommy couldn’t wipe the smile off her face.  We were the two proudest parents as we anxiously awaited your arrival.  Together with all of our family and friends we prepared to bring you into this world with so much love!

Just like your mom, your arrivals tend to be early and action packed.  Us Steinhoff girls just can’t sit still! After two close calls at Missouri Baptist Hospital and having contractions stopped, dad and I knew that the third time would be a charm.  So on the evening of January 1, 2011 my water broke and dad and I ran around the house like 2 kids in a candy store.  We knew this was it; our baby girl would be here shortly.

I shook the whole time as doctors began hooking me up to monitors and prepared to deliver you.  My heart was filled with so much happiness in anticipation to hold you for the very first time.  How quickly my life turned upside down when I was rolled into an operating room, watched you be pulled from my abdomen and rushed out the doors with more doctors and nurses then I have ever seen in my whole life.

I was so thankful that you had the vey best daddy in the whole world because not knowing it yet he was going to have to rush to Children’s Hospital to take care of you while mommy was left worrying at Missouri  Baptist Hospital.  Dad made sure that you had the best of the best treatment as he never left your bedside in the NICU.

I finally got released to go and be with you and dad.  Unfortunately, daddy had to tell me how very sick you were and the chances of survival did not look promising.  Daddy and I prayed all night long that God would give us a miracle. 

Sadly, when we woke up on Monday morning we met with a large team of the very best doctors in the world.  We watched their hearts ache as they told daddy and me that there was nothing else to do.  You were just too special and Jesus wanted you in Heaven

We spent an amazing night together meeting all of our family and friends, so that they could see how precious you were.  Even Uncle Eddie drove 8 hours from Atlanta just to give you a kiss.  Later that night, the three of us, our new family had the best slumber party ever.  Daddy and I let you break curfew, staying up way too late.  You got to watch football and SportsCenter with daddy, mommy got to brush your hair and put a ridiculous amount of bows and hats on your head, and you even learned how to play “Patty Cake”.  It was a night that dad and I will NEVER forget and hold in our hearts forever!

Tuesday, January 4^th, 2011 will always be the saddest and happiest day of my life.  For almost an hour dad and I got to play with you and hold you without all of your crazy wires and tubes.  We saw your entire beautiful face for the first time and fell even more in love with you!  As your life on Earth came to an end, Dad and I held you as tight as we could and told you “Paige, it’s ok to go home to Jesus, he loves you!” 

Even though you are no longer in my arms, you will forever be in my heart, in my thoughts, in my prayers.  You will always be a part of me.  Paige, thank you for 3 of the most wonderful days of our lives.  I know you fought like a champ and we will always be so proud of you for the fight you put up.  Daddy and I love you with all our hearts and we can’t wait to join you some day in Heaven!  Save us spots!

With All My Love,

Mommy