Numbers 11 &19

Today Pat and I met with a geneticist from Washington University.  I can't even begin to explain the feeling of walking into a doctors office not having any clue what to expect.  I had no idea going in what a geneticist was or what was involved in genetic testing.  Basically, Pat and I were clueless.  We both thought that we would go, get blood drawn and then we would get results in a few weeks.  We couldn't of been more wrong.  First, the doctor took an in depth family history.  We discussed the health of our parents, siblings and nieces and nephews.  The doctor then looked at us both with a  kind smile and said "Let me just say that there is nothing you did to cause this and there is nothing you could of done to prevent it. This is just one of those rare occurences that we can't explain."  Huge sigh of relief!  Although every doctor we met with told us we did nothing wrong... it was nice to have it confirmed.  This next part is crazy!   The geneticist had seen part of Paige's autopsy report and found out the following...during chromosone distribution very early on in my pregnancy is where Paige's trouble began.  Half of chromosone 11 connected to half of chromosone 19 and then the other half of 11 connected to the other half of 19.  (Confusing I know)  Because these chromosones got messed up they told Paige's body to make too many white blood cells.  Paige's leukimia was caused by this chromosone mix up. Crazy!  It's absolutely baffling to me how two chromosones can cause such a nasty illness in a small body.  Pat and I are still trying to process this information.  We are so very thankful that we did not do something to cause Paige's illness and that future children will not be effected by this occurence.  We are also extremely thankful that God created doctors as intelligent as our geneticist. It's amazing that they can get that much information from blood.  We can only hope that something from Paige's reports will one day help future babies born with Leukimia.  As I said before we are still processing this information.  It's so very hard to understand.  Pat summed it all up on the way home from the doctors today he said, "I hate numbers 11 & 19" and I second that statement.

Give Me Strength

In a previous post I wrote about my new outlook on prayer.  I now pray for strength and strength alone.  Today is no different. My prayer is strength.  Later today Pat and I will meet with the geneticist for genetic testing.  We are hoping that we are told that Paige's sickness had nothing to do with us and will not effect future children.  I ask Jesus to give us the strength to digest the results of these tests no matter the outcome. 

Due Date

I've been dreading this day for the past month.  My due date.  How quickly life can change and there is nothing we can do to stop it.  How I would love to stay in bed all day and just sleep the day away, pretend it never happened.  Even though it's been nearly a month since Paige went to Heaven I still find myself waking up and feeling my stomach to make sure the past 4 weeks were not just a horrible dream.  It's not a bad dream, it's my life.  Today I am choosing not to focus on what I have lost, but to focus on the blessings of this whole experience.  I am very blessed.
  
   Thank you Jesus for...
                    ... giving me 64 hours with my beautiful daughter. 
                    ... time to hold her and kiss her.
                    ... allowing my entire family to meet her and see her
                        sweet face.
                    ... allowing Paige to open her eye for a split second so we
                        were comforted with knowing she saw her mommy
                        and daddy.
                    ... all the beautiful pictures of our angel.
                    ... the wonderful nurses and doctors that cared so
                        lovingly for my baby girl.
                    ... giving me a husband that lights my world and makes
                        it worth getting up each day.
                    ... family and friends that love me so much.
                   
The list could go on and on.  Although my heart aches and my tears continue to flow I know I'm so very blessed.  And for these blessings I'm thankful.

I love you and miss you Paige!

Precious One

I've never been one to just sit and read.  I know, I know... you're probably thinking "but you're a teacher!"  Yes, I teach kids everyday how to read and even more so, I try my best to instill a love of reading in each child I teach.  I don't dislike reading, I just don't do it often.  Well, didn't do it often until recently.  I've been reading a ton lately.  I read blogs of other mother's who have lost children, I read books about how to grieve (I don't believe there is a right way to do this), I read Internet articles on Leukimia (I've stopped this recently because it only makes me so angry that my baby was 1 in 19 million) and I read to inspire myself.  I've come across a lot of poetry lately that I can relate to.  Some of the poems seem to tell my story and how I'm feeling.  One poem I came across was entitled "The Childless Mother".  I'll spare you the sad poem, but to tell you the truth... childless is exactly how I feel.  I sometimes feel like I walk around with a big sign hanging around my neck that screams "CHILDLESS".  It's awful, I hate it and I wish I didn't feel this way... but I do.  I am the mommy who does not have her baby.  Just typing it makes another piece of my aleady broken heart break.  I share this emotion not for pity, but to help others understand how I'm feeling.  I don't feel whole but somehow with my heart all in pieces I still feel love.  Love for my husband, love for my family, love for my friends and love for my baby girl in Heaven, my Precious One.  I share this poem because it focuses on my sweet Paige.  She is so very precious to Pat and I and even though she was taken from us we will always be her mommy and daddy.

Precious One

Precious, tiny, sweet little one

You will always be to me

So perfect, pure and innocent

Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and your life

And all that it would be.

We waited and longed for you to come

And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,

To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.

We long to hold you, touch you now

And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother,

He'll always be your dad.

You will always be our child,

The child that we had.

But now you're gone...but yet you're here

We'll sense you everywhere.

You are our sorrow and our joy,

There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong,

We'll forget you never

The child we had, but never had,

And yet will have forever.

-Author Unknown



Our Precious Paige

Finally, Some Happy News!!!!

On Sunday night my youngest brother and his girlfriend Hannah got engaged!!!!  So great to hear some good news!  I am so happy for them both and so excited to have another sister. 

Eddie & Hannah,  May God bless you both with happy days and unconditional love.  Pat and I love you both and can't wait for your big day!  Congratulatuions!

The Happy Couple!

It should be simple... you ask a question and you can get an answer.  Right?  I wish life was that simple.  Life right now is anything but simple.  No answers... just lots of questions with no answers.  Some days are easy, but most are hard.  Today is one of those hard days.  Pat and I woke up this morning and started getting ready for church.  We just felt like something was missing... our baby girl.  We should be getting her dressed in a cute little outfit and bundling her up to go to church with us.  It's so hard not having her here.  Even though she never came home in her short life our house just seems empty without her.  I can't go into her room, it's just too painful.  No matter how bad it hurts we still don't have answers.  Sure, we may get some answers with autopsy reports and even genetic testing... but not the answers we're looking for.  I've had to change my whole outlook on prayer over the past few weeks.  I used to pray for things or certain outcomes and yes, answers to my questions.  I now pray for strength.  Strength to get out of bed in the morning.  Strength to carry on with my life.  Strength to understand God's will.  Strength to keep my faith and to be a person of good character that my sweet daughter can be proud of.  I don't have the answers to my questions, but I do have my faith.

I'm constantly thinking about Paige.  I think about what it would be like if she was here, how it would feel to rock her to sleep at night, what cute new things she would be doing and what sweet little sounds she would make.  I don't think these thoughts will ever go away.  I believe that I will always wonder what it would be like if Paige were here.  Yes, sometimes I get very sad and upset but mostly thinking about Paige warms my heart.  She is my daughter and I love her more than words can say.  Please know that when you see me or Pat it's ok to talk about Paige.  Like I said, she is all we think about so please ask us about her. Don't be scared or nervous to bring her up.  If we cry, it's ok.  Crying is part of the healing process and we will be healing for a very long time.  She existed on this earth for two and a half beautiful days and now she is watching over all of us from Heaven. 

Thank you for all of your sweet comments and encouraging words.  You have no idea how much they help!

                            

I miss you so much Paige!  You will live forever in my heart!