Lost for Words

I have been so lost for words lately.  That is so unlike me, I always have something to say.  I can't seem to wrap my finger around it or get a good grasp on my feelings and emotions right now.  I am feeling a lot of anxiety right now.  I am feeling so overwhelmed and scared about these last two months until Landon's arrival.  I'm so scared that something could go wrong.  I would love to believe that just because we had one horrible experience meant that we would be given a "free pass" this time around.  I know that's not the case.  Life happens and I can't control the outcome.  That' hard for me... to give away control of this little life growing inside of me.  I want to protect this precious boy so bad, but reality is that there are no guarantees.  We could feel heartache all over again.  I try not to think that way.  I want to be positive, but once hit with tragedy it's hard to believe that good will come again.  This weekend will be Paige's nine month birthday.  Nine months?  How is that possible?  I lost my sweet girl nine months ago.  As we approach the coming of her first birthday... I have this gut wrenching feeling inside.  I want it to be a celebration of our precious first born, but I am feeling so much pain right now.  It's random times when the grief train hits you.  It just lingers over me and eats away at my spirit.  Last night I sat looking at all of Paige's pictures and belongings.  It still doesn't seem real that we lost a child.   It's so hard to swallow that fact.  I keep thinking back to one year ago.  It was this same time of year that we were preparing for Paige's arrival.  We were painting the nursery pink and buying lots of cute girly clothes.  How much your life can change in a year!!!  That same nursery is now blue and in place of the little hair bows are little sneakers and ball caps.  We now are preparing for this little man to enter our world.  We are so thrilled and excited and blessed beyond belief, but that does not take away the pain of missing my daughter.  I want Paige to be here when her baby brother is born.  I would love to be that crazy mom running after two kids under one... they're my Irish twins!  I also realize that if Paige was here, there is a good chance that we wouldn't be blessed with Landon.  Paige made life possible for this sweet boy.  I know she had a hand in his creation.  So when my days start to fall part and the tears start flowing, I just remember that I continue to push forward, to hold my head high and to keep on going for my boys.  I know this is a lot of rambling, but like I said I'm sort of lost for words lately so tonight you just get a whole bunch of randomness.  I came across this poem and it truly sums up my feelings.  I love you sweet Paige, to the moon and back and as far as my arms can reach!

A heart of gold stopped beating,
Two shining eyes at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove,
He only takes the best.

God knows you had to leave us,
But you did not go alone.
For part of us went with you
The day He took you home.

Dad Update

This week has proved to be a it challenging for dad.  With round two of chemo behind him dad is feeling the wrath of those heavy drugs.  Unfortunately, dad is very weak and tired.  He gets worn out very easily.  He has experienced a little nausea, but he has some good medicine to take care of that.  Dad has pretty much lost his appetite.  He said nothing tastes good to him.  He has lost a little weight due to the fact he jut doesn't feel like eating.  Last night he told me that even water has a bad taste.  Poor guy!  He remains a trooper and is fighting through it.  I know it is the love, support and prayers from all of you that will continue to carry dad through this challenging time and I bet the big man upstairs is helping out a bit too!  Please continue to pray for dad's strength and faith throughout the next few months.  We are praying for a complete recovery and to rid dad's body of cancer!  Dad's third round of chemotherapy is scheduled to start on October 7.  Keep praying!

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God..."

Psalm 46:10

28 Weeks

Where did this week go?  I feel as if I just typed my 27 week update last night.  I hope the next 11 weeks continue to go by just as quick!  Although this week has gone by pretty quickly I can honestly say that I am feeling the "aches and pains" of third trimester.  My tummy feels like it is being pulled in every which way and stretching like a rubber band.  I don't remember this pain with Paige, however, I carried Paige much differently.  With Paige I was carrying across my entire stomach and with Landon he is just popping straight out.  My tummy continues to grow quite a bit each week.  I told Pat last night that I think we have a big boy on our hands.  Only time will tell.  We already love this little boy so so so so MUCH.... big or small!   Come on December!!!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 28 weeks

Size of baby: 14.8 inches and 2.9 pounds

Gender: A BOY!!! Landon Jordan Steinhoff

Maternity Clothes: Oh yeah! :)

Movement: He is moving quite a bit lately!  He's a pretty strong little man.

Sleep: Once I fall asleep, I'm golden.

Symptoms: Just a few aches and pains... I know he will be worth ever pain and symptom! :)

Cravings: If I see it, smell it, hear about it.... I want it!  It's pathetic!

Best moment this week: Feeling my little man!   

28 weeks!



He says, “Be still, and know that I am God..."

Psalm 46:10

So Sweet!

I have to share the sweetest story about my niece Tatum who is 4 years old....

Once every six months I have to go clear off Paige's grave sight because the cemetery cleans out all the old stuff.  I do like that they keep the cemetery looking clean and they don't just let things pile up.  Anyways, last week was one of the cleaning weeks and so the Sunday before I went and took all of Paige's "things" off her site and have been hauling them around in the back of my car.  On Tuesday after work I went by the cemetery to put her things back and for a little visit.  I know that Paige is not really there, but for some reason being there makes me feel closer to her.  It's like she can hear me better if I talk to her there verses to talking to her anywhere else.  I'm weird, I know.  It's just how I feel.  So as I walked up to her site I noticed a little American flag in the ground right by her headstone.  Also, laying on the headstone was a sticker of Minnie Mouse with a rock on it so it wouldn't blow away.  I got a huge grin on my face and I just knew this had Tatum written all over it.  When I was through with my "visit" I got back in the car and immediately called my sis-in-law, Nickie (Tatum's mom), to see if by chance they had been to the cemetery.  She told me that they had.  She apologized for the American flag, she said she tried talking Tatum into leaving flowers but she insisted on the flag because she just recently learned the Pledge of Allegiance at school.  Ha!  So Tatum stuck the flag in the ground, put her hand over her heart and taught her baby cousin Paige the Pledge of Allegiance.  How stinkin' cute is that!  This next part just baffles me and the kindness of complete strangers is to be admired.  Earlier in the day Tatum received a Minnie Mouse sticker from the bank.  She had told her mom that she wanted to give it to Paige.  When they arrived at the cemetery there was a crew of men digging a hole next to Paige's site.  Yes, this means that another sweet baby has gone to heaven.  Breaks my heart that another mother and father have to feel the pain that I feel everyday.  Obviously, with an open hole they couldn't get too close.  They went into the gift shop for a bit (where Tatum picked out the American flag).  When they came back out the men had moved on and now a board was laying over the hole.  Tatum walked over slid the sticker under the board and told her mom.... "Paige should be able to crawl over and get it!"  :)  I just love how little minds think... so innocent!  Nickie said that the men who dug the hole saw her do this, but said nothing.  I'm assuming after they left they got the sticker out of the hole and placed it on Paige's headstone.  They must of put the rock on it so that it wouldn't fly away.  Now, this may seem so insignificant to many but to me it's the kindest, sweetest thing someone could do for my baby.  Those men knew that Tatum wanted Paige to have that sticker and so they took time out of their work day to make sure that happened.  Makes my heart smile!  Thank you Tatum for loving your baby Paige so much!

I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be restrained.

Job 42:2

Round 2 Chemo - Complete

I just talked with my dad and he finished his second round of chemotherapy today.  He spent the afternoon at Siteman and had blood drawn, a small (but powerful) dosage of more chemotherapy and then they took off his small bag of chemotherapy that he has had since Friday.  Fortunately, he is feeling pretty well.  Keeping our fingers crossed, but no nausea yet!  The last dose of chemo that he received today must of been some powerful stuff because he said he has no sense of taste.. he said his taste buds are gone and when he eats everything is just bland... even spicy soup that he was having for dinner.  These medicines just amaze me!  Thanks to my Uncle Tom for spending the day with dad and taking him to Siteman... we all truly appreciate it! Now dad will start his 10 days of shots.  It's an ever going process... but if this process makes dad well and rids his body of cancer... then proceed on!  Thanks for your continued prayers!  Dad's next chemotherapy treatment is scheduled for October 7th.  He will get a PET scan before that treatment to see if the chemo is working.... please pray specifically for this!

27 Weeks

Hello third trimester!!!!!!!!!   Two down, one to go!  Woo hoo!  Getting closer to my little handsome guys  debut!  Can. Not. Wait.  I seriously can't wait until that little man is in my arms, well, I can wait and I will because he still has some growing to do!  I went to the doctor this week, I am now going every two weeks, and Landon's heartbeat was good and strong.  Yay!  I also had my glucose test... yuck!  Hopefully, the results will be good and I won't have gestational diabetes.  I did not have it with Paige so I'm hoping just a year later I'm still in the clear.  I do like that I get to go to the doctor every two weeks now... a month between visits was just too long and I need more reassurance than that.  My doc probably thinks I'm a bit nuts, but he is wonderful and completely patient with my craziness.  Another week down.. what a blessing.. only 12 weeks to go! 

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 27 weeks--- Entering the 3rd trimester this week! :)

Size of baby: 14.4 inches and 2.3 pounds

Gender: A BOY!!! Landon Jordan Steinhoff

Maternity Clothes: Yes for all bottoms and still wearing a few non-maternity shirts if they are long enough!

Movement: His movements have been so much stronger and more frequent! I feel him moving positions all the time. Pat has felt him a lot lately as well.  It's getting to the point now where you can see my stomach move when he kicks real hard! 

 Love it!

Symptoms: It's getting hard to bend over and get up off the floor (I only have to sit on the floor at school during carpet time)  :)

Cravings: Just eating a lot of everything!

Best moment this week: Making it to the 3rd trimester! I hope it goes by real fast!

27 Weeks!
Please excuse the angle... my 7 year old niece took this picture :)

He will perfect that which concerns me.

Psalm 138:8

Round 2

Thank you so much for your prayers!  Dads's platelet levels jumped 12,000 over night and were at 111,000 today!  He was able to start his second chemotherpay treatment today and will come home with his little pack of chemo for the weekend.  We are so happy that he is still on the original treatment plan and chemotherapy could proceed as planned.  Please continue to pray for dad's strength and high spirits throughout this second round.  We never know what's to come with each treatment.....

“Because he loves Me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him..." 

Psalm 91:14