On my Mind

I wish my whole family could have been in that ultrasound room when Pat and I found out we we're having another baby girl.  I immediately broke into tears, Pat had a look of shock on his face because he was convinced it was another boy and the world just seemed to stand still.  We were thrilled and excited and overwhelmed with joy.  We still are.  Unfortunately, my anxiety set in pretty quickly after I came off "my high" of the news that we we're having a girl.  I started to think about everything that can go wrong, everything that may have already gone wrong, but the biggest thought on my mind was and continues to be...  I delivered a completely healthy baby boy, I did not deliver a healthy baby girl.  In fact, I delivered a very sick little girl.  A fatally ill baby girl.  I'm scared.  I would be lying to say I'm not.  I'm trying to "slap" a smile on and pretend I don't have any fears, but I do.  Many of them.  My innocence was stripped away from me two years ago and sadly I know first hand that babies are not all born perfect.  Don't get me wrong... Paige was ABSOLUTELY perfect in my eyes.  She was gorgeous and beautiful and we just loved everything about her.  Her poor little body was so sick and struggling and had to fight to keep going for three days.  I don't want to put another child through that.  I don't know that I have the strength to get through a nightmare like that again.  I don't know if I would have these fears if I were carrying a baby boy... I very well could.  But I'm not carrying a boy, I'm carrying a girl.  I'm carrying Mya Paige and I am hanging on to my faith and saying my prayers that God gives us a healthy baby girl.  I know her big sister is watching over all of us and that gives me great comfort.  Please say a prayer for our Mya that she is one healthy baby girl and for my sanity as we wait til May to meet our new addition.