Friday, January 18, 2013

Where has the time gone?

In the midst of living life I have completely neglected this blog.  It's been almost 2 weeks since I last posted!  Wow!  Life has been busy and well finding time to get on the computer hasn't been easy.  Landon is now 13 months old and he took his first steps last Saturday, however, he has not taken any since.  Ugh!  I know once he is walking and running, I'm going to want him to slow down, but now I'm so anxious for him to walk.  He has become quite the little monkey climbing up and down on everything he can.  He is also very proud of his accomplishments... he claps for himself.  (He's not lacking in the self-esteem area).  Ha!  His little personality comes out more and more everyday and Pat and I have to watch what we say around him.  He's beginning to try and repeat our words.  They don't come out very clear but he's trying. 

I am now 22 weeks into this pregnancy with Miss Mya and May cannot get here fast enough.  Talk about neglecting, I've neglected to post any belly shots thus far!  I'm not even sure I have any.  I will get better... soon!  But just take my word for it... my belly is huge!  Third baby in three years =  fast growing belly!!!!  I love watching Landon's face when he sees my belly.. he rubs it and just stares.  I can only imagine his thoughts, "geez mom lay off the cookies!"  I can't wait for him to meet his baby sister! 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Fly High Sweet GIrl

Tomorrow is Paige's "Angelversary".  It's the day she got her wings... just two years ago.  It's the day that Pat and I kissed our baby girl for the last time, saw her sweet face for the first time with no wires or tubes, and told her it was ok to go and be with Jesus.  Those words still sting at my heart.  It's not easy telling your baby it's "ok" to leave you.  I wanted to scream "please don't die!" , "please don't go!"  But I did what any other mother would do... I saw my baby suffering, I saw my baby fighting to take even a breath, and so I leaned over with every ounce of strength I had kissed her on her forehead and told her it was ok to go be with Jesus!  Did I really mean that?  No, my head was telling me I would be ok, but my heart crumbled as she took her last breath in my arms.  I remember the exact second that the doctors called her time of death.  I felt as though someone just kicked me in my gut so hard that I went numb.  I was holding my baby girl (her physical body) but she was gone.  It was a moment that I would never give away, yet one that will eat away at my heart forever.  I can't believe two years have passed since that day.  A part of me feels like it was just yesterday.  Perhaps because the further we get from that day the further I feel from Paige.  I know she is always with me in spirit, but I'm talking about her physical being... that sweet 5 pound body, full head of black hair, chubby cheeks and tiny feet.  I feel so far away from my little girl.  But I know with each day that passes and the farther I get from January 4, 2011 the closer I get to the day that I will be reunited with my sweet girl in heaven.

I love to picture Paige flying around heaven with her angel wings playing and singing and dancing in the most beautiful place.  I know in my heart that she is happy and healthy and she knows no pain.  That makes me happy, but the selfish part of me still grieves.  I grieve the greatest loss I've ever known.  I feel sad and I know that's ok, but for Paige I'm going to carry on.  I'm going to keep on putting one foot in front of the other and I'm going to keep trying to be the best wife and mother I know how to be.  I do all that for Paige because I know she's watching and I want to make her proud.

We miss you sweet girl.  Fly high sweetheart!  We love you!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Paige-a-Palooza 2013

Today we celebrated the life of a very beautiful baby girl, Paige Jordan Steinhoff.  Our sweet angel would have been two today and so we had our 2nd annual Paige-a-Palooza.  We were surrounded by family and that's the only way we would have it.  Although the day was hard and just the thought that another year without our sweet girl has passed is hard to handle.... we made it.  Paige-a-Palooza 2013 was a success... we had good food, the kids played hard and we released balloons to heaven for Miss Paige.  I'm sure she got the bundle of pink helium and is playing with her heavenly friends.  We miss our baby girl everyday and not a day passes that we don't utter her name, think about her, and daydream what life would be like if she were here.  Here are some pics from today's celebration.... thanks to my sister, Maria, for taking all these pictures...

The banner I made last year for the 1st Paige-a-Palooza
Family picture

All of Paige's cousins getting ready to send balloons to heaven.

Speedy delivery to heaven's gates! 
Paige's baby brother, Landon.  The reason I can still put one foot in front of the other.


An Angel Birthday

Today our precious angel, Paige, would turn 2! I can't believe that two full years have passed since I last held my beautiful daughter. My arms fall weak just from the thought. I can't describe the pain in my heart today that I'm not having a princess party or decorating my house in Hello Kitty. I want to go through the terrible two's with my sweet girl but I can't. Jesus has that task. A child has to be the most difficult thing to give up, but knowing that Paige is spending her birthday with Jesus gives me great comfort. I'm sure her birthday party in heaven is way better than any party I could throw here on earth. But I sure would of loved the chance to try to beat it!

They say time heals all pain, but today the pain feels stronger than ever. As I watch our sweet boy grow I realize more and more how much I'm missing out on with Paige. It's hard to swallow and even harder to accept, but its our reality... Today we will celebrate our sweet angel with family as we throw our 2nd Paige-a-Palooza! There won't be candles to blow out but her baby brother and all 14 of her cousins will release balloons to her today! I sure hope they get to heaven in time for her party!

Paige Jordan,
We love you sweet girl. Mommy and daddy miss you more than we ever knew possible! You wouldn't believe the lives you have touched in just two years. You're amazing sweet girl! Our lives will never be the same but we hope that we can carry on with your spirit within us. We want everyone to know about our amazing daughter! We love you with all our hearts! I know your looking beautiful in your birthday dress today! Oh how I wish I could see you! Happy birthday sweetheart!

Love you!

Our amazing angel, Paige Jordan...


Oh, how I never get tired of looking at this sweet face!  Love you baby girl!