Fly High Sweet GIrl

Tomorrow is Paige's "Angelversary".  It's the day she got her wings... just two years ago.  It's the day that Pat and I kissed our baby girl for the last time, saw her sweet face for the first time with no wires or tubes, and told her it was ok to go and be with Jesus.  Those words still sting at my heart.  It's not easy telling your baby it's "ok" to leave you.  I wanted to scream "please don't die!" , "please don't go!"  But I did what any other mother would do... I saw my baby suffering, I saw my baby fighting to take even a breath, and so I leaned over with every ounce of strength I had kissed her on her forehead and told her it was ok to go be with Jesus!  Did I really mean that?  No, my head was telling me I would be ok, but my heart crumbled as she took her last breath in my arms.  I remember the exact second that the doctors called her time of death.  I felt as though someone just kicked me in my gut so hard that I went numb.  I was holding my baby girl (her physical body) but she was gone.  It was a moment that I would never give away, yet one that will eat away at my heart forever.  I can't believe two years have passed since that day.  A part of me feels like it was just yesterday.  Perhaps because the further we get from that day the further I feel from Paige.  I know she is always with me in spirit, but I'm talking about her physical being... that sweet 5 pound body, full head of black hair, chubby cheeks and tiny feet.  I feel so far away from my little girl.  But I know with each day that passes and the farther I get from January 4, 2011 the closer I get to the day that I will be reunited with my sweet girl in heaven.

I love to picture Paige flying around heaven with her angel wings playing and singing and dancing in the most beautiful place.  I know in my heart that she is happy and healthy and she knows no pain.  That makes me happy, but the selfish part of me still grieves.  I grieve the greatest loss I've ever known.  I feel sad and I know that's ok, but for Paige I'm going to carry on.  I'm going to keep on putting one foot in front of the other and I'm going to keep trying to be the best wife and mother I know how to be.  I do all that for Paige because I know she's watching and I want to make her proud.

We miss you sweet girl.  Fly high sweetheart!  We love you!