Thursday, April 28, 2011

Faith, Hope & Love

Last night I was given a very special gift.  Our support group had a special Mother's Day meeting where all the mom's got to meet and make bracelets.  It was such a special event.  It was nice to be surrounded by so many women who know the pain I live everyday.  These women have been walking this scary road with me and feeling the same feelings I've been feeling for almost four months now.  Like one of the ladies said, "I feel normal here."  Normal is not something I feel, but there I do.  I am so thankful for this beautiful gift that will always remind me of my beautiful Paige, but to me this bracelet is more.  Three of the beads read "Faith, Hope and Love".  As I reflect on my journey these past few months I can say confidently that those three words have been my rock.  Faith in God to carry Pat and I though this awful nightmare and to continue to walk by our sides each and every day.  Hope that our future is bright and happiness will find us again.  Love for eachother, love for our families and friends and love for our sweet baby girl.  Faith, hope and love are beautiful things!

Friday, April 22, 2011

First Holiday

My Sweet Paige,

We are gearing up for the first of many holidays without you.  I can't help but imagine how cute you would look in a beautiful Easter dress.  It probably would of been my first chance to get you all dressed up.  As I have walked through the mall the last few weeks I have seen long lines waiting to see the Easter bunny and all of your cousins got to go to an Easter egg hunt.  How I wish I was putting you on that rabbit's lap and filling a basket of plastic eggs for you!  I sure hope the Easter bunny doesn't forget to visit Heaven.  I bet you're Easter will be beautiful because you'll be spending it with Jesus.  I know it's selfish, but mommy wishes you were spending it with me and daddy.  I know church on Sunday is going to be almost impossible to bare but I know you'll be there with me getting me through.  You always let me know when you're present and it's just when I need you most.  You're such a blessing sweetheart and I love you more than I ever thought possible.  Have a wonderful Easter baby girl!  We love you and miss you so much!

All My Love, Kisses & Hugs,

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Phone Call to Heaven

I often think about how awesome it would be if I could make a phone call to Heaven.  :)  Do you think there is a phone up there?  I know Paige feels our love and she can hear me when I talk to her.  A phone isn't really necessary for those things.  My baby girl can feel the love we send to her, I just know it.  I want a phone call to Heaven because it breaks my heart to know that I will not hear my baby's first words.  I don't even know what her voice sounds like!  I do believe that Paige can speak in Heaven even though she is less than four months old.  I believe that she is much wiser than you and me.  Jesus wanted her in Heaven, so I'm guessing she's doing pretty incredible things for the other angels.  You have no idea what I would do for just one phone call to hear that sweet voice!  I'd do anything!  If anyone comes across the phone number for Heaven in the yellow pages, please send it my way! :) 

Mommy misses you sweet girl!
Every time I think of you,
I give thanks to my GOD.
I hold you in my heart...

Philippians 1:3, 7

Sunday, April 17, 2011


This may be a first for me, two posts in one day!  I couldn't help myself, I had to share this song.  I came across this song as I was reading another blog this evening.  I thought to myself this will make for a great post one day this week.  I closed the laptop and turned on the TV, but I just couldn't help myself.  I opened the computer right back up.. for some reason I'm obligated to share this song tonight.  Maybe someone reading needs to hear it.  This song is called "Blessings" by Laura Story.  Enjoy!

I think this song touched me so much because I constantly speak of how blessed Pat and I were to get to meet our Paige.  Paige was a very sick baby and it's nothing short of a miracle that she survived nine months in me and three days on this earth.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that only having my baby three days with me would be a blessing.  It's so important that I focus on the part about having my baby with me.  I met Paige.  I held Paige.  I kissed Paige.  I gave Paige to Jesus.  Not every mommy gets to do that.  I did.  That to me is a miracle and a huge blessing.  Blessings often come in disguise, we don't know how blessed we are until we take the time to really think about it.  Paige could of easily not survived in the womb.  Her leukimia started in the very early stages of pregnancy.  Of course, we had no idea she was sick, but autopsy reports show how early her leukimia began.  We were so blessed to hold our baby girl in our arms with her sweet heart beating.  I will forever be thankful for that amazing blessing! 

Tonight think about all the blessings in your life.  No matter how big or small we are all blessed and so lucky to have a God who blesses us the way He does!

In you I trust, O my God.

Psalm 25:2

Extravagant Love

Extravagant Love!  This was the message we heard today in Church, how extravagant God's love is for us.  It really made me think a lot about the past four months.  If someone would of told me on January 4th that God's love was extravagant I probably would of blown them off.  I realize how harsh that sounds, but having to give up your three day old baby is extremely difficult.  I wasn't feeling much love from Him that day.  I was feeling pain, hurt and left wondering why.  Luckily, I have come a long way in four months.  I realize now that because of God's extravagant love I was able to meet my sweet baby girl.  My God allowed me to carry her for nine months, give birth to her and love her for three glorious days.  God's love carried me through that horrible nightmare and has stood by me this entire journey.  That's love, extravagant love! 
Happy Sunday!

Love...always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4, 7

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

"The Club"

Pat and I belong to a very exclusive club.  A club of wonderful people who are the most loving, caring and supportive people I have ever met.  You have to be very special to belong to our club, however, each of us wishes we weren't a part of it.  Only if you are in the club do you truly understand the feelings of the other members.  Unfortunately, to be in our club you have to have an angel baby.  Last night Pat and I went to our support group.  Such amazing people!  I'm not sure where we would be in our grieving process without this group.  We just feel so 'normal' there.  It's a place where we can talk about our Paige and the love for her and know that every person in that room fully understands.  They know where we are coming from.  They know the pain in our heart.  They know the struggles we face everyday.  They just get it.  I hate that there are other parents who know our pain, but I am so thankful that I can walk this road with them. 

Our sweet angel!
We love you so much and miss you more and
more everyday!  We are so thankful for everything
you have taught us.  You will never know how many lives
you have touched.  We long for the day that we can
hold you in our arms again!

All our love,
Mommy & Daddy
But as for me, GOD's presence is my good.

Psalm 73:28

Sunday, April 10, 2011


Faith is to believe what we do not see;
the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.
-Saint Augustine

These few words have impacted my life so much in the past few months.  I try to live by these words.  I have so much faith!  I have faith that my sweet Paige is in Heaven.  I have faith that she is healthy and cancer free.  I have faith that she watches over Pat and I each and everyday.  I have faith that one day we will see Paige again, we will hold her and kiss her for an eternity.  I have faith that God has a plan for Pat and I.  I have faith that one day there will be a cure for horrible illnesses like leukimia.  I have faith.  Without faith I have nothing.  With faith I am able to put one foot in front of the other and walk this broken path.  With faith I am able to get out of bed every morning and be thankful for the life I have.  Faith is a beautiful thing!


Monday, April 4, 2011

1st, 4th, 8th

I feel as if I will always hate the first week of every month.  On the first of every month I think about the night I gave birth (January 1, 2011).  It went nothing like I imagined and unfortunately I have horrible memories from that night.  All I can really remember is having my baby pulled out of me and rushed to Children's hospital and later learning that she was diagnosed with leukimia.  Gut wrenching!  I still feel sick thinking about it.  On the fourth of every month I am reminded of the day my baby left and went to be with Jesus (January 4, 2011).  I'll never forget holding my three day old baby in my arms and telling her that it was ok to go to Heaven.  No mommy should have to do that.  It is and will forever be the hardest thing I will ever have to do.  Finally, on the eighth of the month I am stung with the memories of my babies funeral (January 8, 2011).  I remember all I could think about was that they shouldn't have to make caskets that small.  Needless to say, today has been rough.  Very rough.  I feel like I relive those awful days during the first week of every month.  Granted it's only been three months, but it's hard to see light at the end of the tunnel, when all I want is for the pain to go away.  I know I have to learn to live with this pain, it's part of my new normal.  I continue to pray that Jesus gives me strength and guides me along this broken path.  I have faith that there will be a day where I experience true happiness again.

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

Psalm 103:8

Friday, April 1, 2011

3 Months

Today my heart has officialy been broken for 3 months.  Time sure does fly (even when you're NOT having fun)!  As I think back over the past three months there are so many thoughts that run through my head.  I first think about everything I've missed out on not having Paige here.  How many kisses did I not get to give her?  How many poopy diapers did I not get to change?  How many sweet outfits did I not get to put her in?  How many nights did I not get to rock her to sleep?  I try not to think this way, but I do.  I want to do mommy things.  I want to hold my sweet baby.  I want to love on her and protect her and care for her.  After I have my little pity party for myslef, I start to think about all the wonderful things I got to experience because of Paige.  I got to carry her for 9 wonderful months.  I got to hold her in my arms.  I got to kiss her.  I got to tell her how much I loved her.  And then I got to tell her it was ok to go and be with Jesus.  I was holding my baby girl when her soul left this earth.  That's not something that every mommy gets to do.  I gave my baby to Jesus three months ago and I know she is healthy and happy in Heaven.  I miss her like crazy and can't wait for the day that I get to hold her in my arms again. 

Paige just moments before she went to be with Jesus in Heaven

Faith is to believe what we do not see;
the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.
-Saint Augustine