Saturday, May 28, 2011

Paige's Pretties Trivia Night

Amazing!  It's as simple as that.  From the ladies that organized the event, to the people who came out in support, to the money raised for Paige's Pretties... all I can say is AMAZING!  Last night's Trivia Night was a huge success.  The evening was so much fun and ran so smoothly.  It was so nice to be surrounded by family, friends and even some people we didn't know to support Paige's Pretties and the NICU.  Last night my amazing friends raised over $5,000 for Paige's Pretties.  Pat and I have big dreams and we hope to do a lot in memory of our sweet Paige. The bow making will continue and I have big hopes for much much more!  Thank you to everyone for their support, generosity and love!  We are overwhelmed by it all and continue to be humbled by the pure thoughtfulness of others. 

The ladies who did it all!
Back Row: Angela, Julie, Me, Jenni, Rachel, Lou Ann
Front Row: Kristy, Stacey, Nicole
Emily & Sheila left before this picture :(

These are the t-shirts the workers and my family wore for Trivia Night.
The girls had pink shirts and the boys had black.
Just love them!

My mom, Marcia, Maria, Marla (my 3 sisters) and Me

My friend Tara and I
The whole night was a blast and I can't wait to share everything we will do with the money raised!  Of course, the bow making will begin very soon!  I know the NICU is in need of some pronto!

This was all for you my sweet girl.  We will never forget you!  Love you so much! 

For great is His love toward us,
   and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.

Psalm 117:2

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Mommy, Please Don't Cry

When my mind gets wandering and I'm thinking of my sweet baby girl I constantly wander what she is doing now.  Where is she?  Where is Heaven?  Who takes care of her?  Afterall, I am a mommy and mommy's worry about their little ones.  When I start feeling lost and confused I often curl up on the couch with Paige's blanket and re-read one of my favorite books, "Mommy, Please Don't Cry" by Linda Deymaz, who lost her little girl in 1995.  I actually received two of these books after Paige went to Heaven.  I keep one next to my bed and the other copy in our family room.  This way it is always close to me when I need it!  I love the whole book, but I have my very favorite pages.  Here are a few that I just absolutely love and one day I will get to expereince Heaven with my sweet Paige.

"Mommy, please don't cry...we have lots of parties here; with streamers and hats and the best chocolate cake ever."

"When it's time to rest angels tuck us in.  I never get scared Mommy, there is no darkness here!  Jesus is the light of Heaven!"

"Mommy, please don't cry... sometimes I just like to be by myself, that's when I think of you.  Someday, Mommy, we will hold each other tight!  Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together."

"I have lots of friends, Mommy, we run and play, we giggle and laugh, I can't wait to show you my secret hideouts!"

"Mommy, please don't cry... I'll wait right here for you."

Ironically, I always seem to cry through the entire book.  Some of those tears are happy tears.  I know my precious baby is in a much better place without any evil or sadness.  I long to feel that soft skin again and kiss those sweet cheeks.  This book gives me a sense of relief knowing that my Paige is in Heaven and being taken care of. 

My Precious Paige,
     Not a second goes by that I don't long to hold you in my arms.  At times mommy's arms hurt so bad because I just want to hold you once more.  Paige, I can't believe it's been almost five months since you so quickly came into our lives and just as quickly had to leave.  I can't even begin to tell you all the lives you have touched.  Because of you many people have been brought back to their Faith in Jesus.  Hundreds of babies in the NICU have received pretties in your honor.  Many mommy's and daddy's love on their children a little more each night because of you.  You're life has changed so many and I am so proud of you.  On Friday night, many of mommy's friends are hosting the first ever Paige's Pretties Trivia Night in your memory.  Family, friends and strangers will gather to remember you and help support Children's Hospital.  I can't wait to give back to the hospital where you spent your short life.  Unfortunately, many mommy's and daddy's have to spend many scary nights within those walls of the NICU.  It is my hope that we can make their experience a little better by giving back to the NICU.  Mommy has big dreams to live out your memory and to tell the story of my little fighter.  Paige, daddy and I love you so much!  We miss you more than you could ever imagine and we know that one day we will get to hold you in arms again. 

Much love, hugs and kisses!

PS-  I hope you got to have chocolate cake tonight!

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Nine more days!  Today we are down to single digits!  Nine, is the number of days we have left of school.  No, I'm not counting :)  I need a break... a long break.  I need time to breathe again, to get my life back on track (aka - clean my house) and to do lots in remembrance of my sweet Paige.  Please don't take this the wrong way.  I do love my job!  I really do!  But this year has stretched my limits, tested my patience and has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally.  I'm run down, I'm exhausted, I just need a break.  As a teacher you can't return to your job just partially after a nightmare of losing a child.  If I was only going to do my job half way, then I shouldn't be there.  Those kids deserve me at my best.  So, for the past three months I've put a smile on my face, bandaged up my heart, and put every ounce of energy into my job so that I could be the very best teacher I can be for those precious 21 students in my class.  And now in 9 days I can undo those bandages and continue healing from a pain so severe that I truly believe it will never completely go away. 

Pat and I continue to be surrounded by wonderful family and friends!  Without your love and support we would never of made it this long.  I truly believe that.  We are about a week away from Paige's Pretties Trivia Night.  I'm very excited for this event!  Some dear co-workers (great friends) are organizing a trivia night in Paige's honor.  The funds from the event will go towards Paige's Pretties but also some wonderful items that we hope to purchase for Children's Hospital in Paige's memory.  We continue to be humbled and completely amazed at the outpour of generosity of our family, friends and complete strangers. Please know how thankful we are to each and every one of you!!!! 

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sweet Conversation

It's been a busy, but fun weekend.  Yesterday my sister-in-law got married!  Although the weather didn't cooperate, it was a beautiful wedding!  Everyone had a wonderful time celebrating the happy couple and enjoying the good food, music and LOTS of yummy cupcakes.  Congratulations Keith and Lisa!  We love you both!

I want to share a sweet conversation between my 4-year old niece and myself this weekend..

T:  What does your necklace says?  (No, I did not misspell she used the word says :) )

Me:  It says Paige.

T:  Can I wear it?

Me: Sure.  (I put the necklace on her).

T:  Is Paige still dying?

Me: Yes sweetie, Paige is still in Heaven.

T:  When can we see her?

Me:  When we go to Heaven one day.

T:  Do you think she can see my nails?  (We just left the nail salon getting our nails done for the wedding)

Me: I know she can.

T:  Do you think she likes them?

Me: Yep!  I bet she is so jealous!

T: Yeah.

(About 2 or 3 minutes past and no talking)

T:  Aunt Rissa, what does jealous mean?

Me:  It means that Paige wishes her nails looked just as pretty as yours do.

T: Yep, she's jealous.

Gotta love the pure innocence of a sweet child.  I love, love, love that all of my nieces and nephews talk about Paige.  In some way it validates her life.  I know they know her and I know they love her.  I hope they never forget their cousin.  I know my sweet Paige watches over all of them! 

Life has been extremely busy the last month or two and with the end of the school year right around the corner, things will continue to be pretty hectic.  In these times of craziness and full schedules I find myself constantly talking to Paige.  It's amazing how much I count on her to help get me through every situation.  She does!  Everytime I talk to her I can feel a sense of peace and calmness come over me.  Of course, I wish I was holding her in my arms and doing everything for her.  Instead, my baby does so much for me. 
We love you and miss you sweet Paige!

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
Psalm 23:1

Monday, May 9, 2011

Thank You

I just wanted to send one big THANK YOU for all the well wishes I received yesterday.  I can't even tell you the amount of e-mails, text messages, phone calls, cards, gifts, etc... I received.  I was so touched by the outpour of love.  I am sorry I was unable to respond to any of them... it was just a very difficult day.  After a sob fest at church I decided to just spend the day with Pat and try to forget what day it was.  Please know that your sweet messages meant the world to me and truly helped to ease my pain on such a hard day.  I am so blessed to have you all in my life.

Lots of love,

Sunday, May 8, 2011


Although I can't hold my baby in my arms... I am still her mother.
Although I don't have a child to hug and kiss... I am still  her mother.
Although my sweet baby is in Heaven... I am still her mother.
Although my heart is broken in millions of pieces... I am still her mother.
Although I can't rock  her to sleep at night... I am still her mother.
Although my world is turned upside down right now... I am still her mother.
Although I can't see her, hear her, touch her, smell her... I am still her mother.
Although I will never see her grow up... I am still her mother.
Although I wll never hear the word "mommy" from her mouth... I am still her mother.
Although I will never receive a hand made Mother's day card... I am still her mother.
Although I spend Mother's Day without a child... I am still her mother.

Being a mother is such a special gift.  I truly believe it's the love in your heart that makes a mother.  Until my sweet Paige entered this world I had no idea I could love anything the way I love her.  It's a completley different kind of love than what I have for my husband.  My love for Paige was instant!  It was truly love at first sight.  She represents the love Pat and I have for eachother.  Paige was everything good in our world.  For me being Paige's mommy has been the best gift I have ever been given.  Although there are days when I don't feel like a mommy.  I know the love in my heart is only the kind of love a mother can have for her child.

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mom's in our lives.... especially Grandma and MiMi!

I love you too Paige!!!!!
Although I have already shared this video, I wanted to share it again today. Happy Mother's Day to all those mommy's who have sweet angels in Heaven.

As a mother comforts her child,
so will I comfort you;

Isaiah 66:13

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I Hate My Shoes

I came across this poem on another blog and it really sums up my feelings. 

My shoes...

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Although I hate these shoes I walk in right now I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.  In these shoes I met my angel and in these shoes I held my sweet Paige.  These shoes are mine and I will never give them away no matter how much they hurt!

...and whenever you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear this command behind you: "This is the way. Walk in it."

Isaiah 30:21

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Angel of Hope

Today is our sweet baby girls 4 month birthday!  Today we celebrated our angel in heaven!  It was an extra special day because Paige had two bricks dedicated at the Angel of Hope.  The Angel of Hope is a statue that stands in Blanchette Park in St. Charles.  I believe that there are 110 statues in the country.  The statue represents hope for families who have lost children.  The ceremony was beautiful and the rain held off.  It was a wonderful day of celebrating our precious Paige.  Here is a look at her two bricks...

It's so hard for me to believe that 4 months have passed since our angel changed our lives.  I wonder how I did it... how did I make it 4 months without my baby?  We definitely owe our strength to our family, friends and our faith.  Without these three Pat and  I would not have made it through the past four months.  We continue to push forward and pray that God guides us and blesses us along the way.

Both of our families were able to come out to celebrate at the Angel of Hope with us.  We decided to have a balloon release for Paige's 4 month birthday.  So today we sent our precious Paige and all of her angel friends some balloons to play with.  Paige's cousins were happy to do this.  Here's the whole bunch getting ready to send balloons to their cousin...

Getting ready!
On their way to heaven!

We love you Paige!
Happy 4 Month Birthday!

Paige's Posse

Yesterday a small group of friends and I walked in the March of Dimes "March for Babies".  What a wonderful experience!  First, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who showed up to support this cause and even more overwhelmed by the outpour of love you could feel coming from the crowd.  This was a last minute decision to walk in this eevnt and I am so happy that we did.  We raised some money, my friends made t-shirts and we headed dow n to Forest Park... we were Paige's Posse. 

I heard some words for the very first time that made my heart dance with joy. "Are you Paige's mommy?" Chidlren's Hospital NICU had a team walking and several of the nurses were there.  Many of them know Paige's name and story through Paige's Pretties.  I was asked several times if I was Paige's mom and I couldn't of been more proud to say "YES!".  I love that I am Paige's mommy.  Me.  I get to be Paige's mommy.  What a wonderful feeling.  My sweet girl continues to leave her mark and I couldn't be more proud.

Next year, the March for Babies better watch out... Paige's Posse will be back and BIGGER than ever!  :) 

Here are a few more pictures from the wonderful event!!

Happy 4 month birthday Paige Jordan!  Mommy and Daddy love you with all our hearts!

A WHOLE bunch more on that... a little later!