Thursday, June 30, 2011

16 Weeks

I am doing my 16 week post today and not tomorrow because tomorrow is Paige's day...her 6 month birthday.  More on that tomorrow...

I am now 16 weeks pregnant with Baby #2 and I feel like my belly is getting bigger and bigger :)  I guess it's supposed to do that!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 16 weeks
Size of baby: 4.5 inches long and about 3.5 ounces
Maternity Clothes: Mostly I wear sundresses, so those are fitting over the baby bump. If I wear pants that button, maternity are a must, but I can still squeeze into my own shirts and comfy pants.
Gender: We'll find out in mid-July!!!!  Don't forget to vote on our baby poll:)
Movement: I felt the first little kick this week!  It was late at night when
I was laying very still.  It was pretty soft, but definitely the baby.
Symptoms: I can't complain about a thing!
What I miss: My husband!  He's been out of town all week coaching baseball.  I can't wait for him to get back!
Cravings: So last week I mentioned that I have lost my sweet tooth, which is true, however, I still LOVE ice cream.  I can't get enough of it!
What I am looking forward to: My next appointment, one week from today! 

16 weeks pregnant!
Sorry it's a little dark...

...according to Your love remember me,
for You, LORD, are good.

Psalm 35:7

Friday, June 24, 2011

15 Weeks

I am now 15 weeks with Baby Steinhoff #2!!!  These weeks are flying by... usually I wouldn't wish for my life to pass by so quickly, but right now I love it.  I want to hold this little one in my arms so badly.  I can't wait for Christmas!  This may be the only year that I enjoy the stores putting Christmas decorations out in early October!  Ha! 
Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 15 weeks
Size of baby: 4 inches long and about 2.5 ounces.
Maternity Clothes: Mostly I wear sundresses, so those are fitting over the baby bump. If I wear pants, maternity are a must, but I can still squeeze into my own shirts.
Gender: We'll find out in mid-July!!!!  Don't forget to vote on our baby poll:)
Movement: Not much yet, however, when I'm laying in bed I swear I feel little flutters. 
I can't wait for that first big kick!
Symptoms: Very little nausea in the evenings.
What I miss: My energy and motivation to do normal things!
Cravings: I crave what I see.  It's pretty pathetic actually, I feel like I have to have it right then!  I am not into sweets very much, which is very strange for me.. I usually have the biggest  sweet tooth.
What I am looking forward to: My appointment July 7, that little heartbeat is music to my ears!
15 weeks!
Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for Him...

Psalm 37:7

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Baby Poll

Pat and I are so excited to find out what Baby Steinhoff #2 will be... boy or girl?!?!?  Join in our fun and vote on the right side of the blog.  This is obviously just for fun and of course we will be so thrilled with a boy or girl.  There is just something about being able to call our little wiggle worm he or she and not it!  Ha!

Our next ultrasound can not come soon enough!!!  It will be the "big" ultrasound and of course there is the excitement of finding out the sex of the baby, however, I have a lot of anxiety building up to that day.  I want to see healthy organs and a healthy baby kicking in me.  I never realized how naive I was when I was pregnant with Paige.  I rarely felt any nerves and the thought of something going wrong never crossed my mind.  I was pregnant and I was going to have a baby..end of I thought.  How quickly life can change.  My stress is high and every little ache or pain feels like my world could come to an end... sounds dramatic I know.. but it's my reality right now.  I'm scared out of my mind and I just continue to put my faith in the Lord that he will protect this child and keep him/her healthy! 

Satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love,
   that we may sing for joy...

Psalm 90:14

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dad's out there!  Today is one of those bittersweet days.  We are so thankful for both of our miracles, but it hurts so bad not to have our Paige in our arms.  Paige and baby #2 are very lucky.... they have an amazing daddy!  Patrick is an incredible person and a father who loves both of his children with all of his heart.  His strength amazes me daily and he will do anything to make sure his baby girl is not forgotten.  I look forward to the day when I can watch my husband hold our children in his arms and love on them like I know he longs to.  I know Paige is watching over her daddy today and sending a little extra love.  Hapy Father's Day, Pat.  I love you!

Paige is also sending down some extra love for her Grandpa and Papa.  Pat and I are both so very blessed to have amazing father's in our lives.  We both learned a lot about unconditional love this year and we soon realized the love our parents have for us.  Neither of us would be where we are today without our father's.  Happy Father's Day Grandpa and Papa!  Enjoy your day, we love you!
Grandpa and Paige

Papa and Paige
...may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love really is.

Ephesians 3:18

Friday, June 17, 2011

14 Weeks

I am now 14 weeks pregnant with baby #2.  We won't find out the gender of the baby until mid-July.  We are so anxious to know if I'm growing a baby girl or baby boy inside me.  Either way, we will be thrilled and our prayer continues to be for GOOD HEALTH!!!!   I've mentioned in a previous post how sad I was that I did not take weekly pictures of my pregnancy with Paige.  I feel like that's nine months of my precious baby that I don't have any more.  I won't make the same mistake twice.  So, this is the first of my weekly posts of my growing belly with baby #2.

I've been feeling pretty well lately.  My "morning" sickness seems to hit me late afternoon into the evening.  Overall, I can't complain.  I'm a pretty happy mama growing this miracle inside of me.  I'm already beginning to show.  This is a lot sooner than I did with Paige, however, they do say that baby #2 pops out much quicker.  (It doesn't help that I hadn't lost all the baby weight from Paige before this pregnancy!)  I don't mind showing, it's just proof of the precious life inside of me.... and I love love love it! 

Here I am at 14 weeks!
Please keep those prayers coming for this sweet baby.  Specifically, we are asking God for good health for the baby and strength for Pat and I as we walk this scary road. 

For great is His love toward us,
   and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.

Psalm 117:2

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

My Sweet Paige

The past three months have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Excitement and joy over the news of our second miracle and the scariness that something could possibly go wrong.  My sweet Paige has been helping me through this crazy time.  I talk to her constantly and I can just feel her presence when I need her most.  Paige will always be our first born child, nobody will ever replace her.  Our future children will learn all about their big sister and how special she was.  We will celebrate her birthday every year and her pictures will never leave our home.  Paige will always be a part of us and our family.  I wanted to share the letter I wrote Paige that my mom read for me at Paige's funeral.  I have not shared this letter on here yet because it is difficult to relive the emotions and the nightmare of that night.  Today I read it for the first time since the funeral (almost six months ago) I went through about six boxes of kleenex but it was so worth it.  I love remembering how special my baby girl is to me. 

To My Sweet, Baby Girl,

Words cannot explain the joy and excitement your daddy and I had when we found out that we were going to have a baby girl.  We made so many proud phone calls that day sharing our life changing news.  Daddy cried tears of joy and mommy couldn’t wipe the smile off her face.  We were the two proudest parents as we anxiously awaited your arrival.  Together with all of our family and friends we prepared to bring you into this world with so much love!

Just like your mom, your arrivals tend to be early and action packed.  Us Steinhoff girls just can’t sit still! After two close calls at Missouri Baptist Hospital and having contractions stopped, dad and I knew that the third time would be a charm.  So on the evening of January 1, 2011 my water broke and dad and I ran around the house like 2 kids in a candy store.  We knew this was it; our baby girl would be here shortly.

I shook the whole time as doctors began hooking me up to monitors and prepared to deliver you.  My heart was filled with so much happiness in anticipation to hold you for the very first time.  How quickly my life turned upside down when I was rolled into an operating room, watched you be pulled from my abdomen and rushed out the doors with more doctors and nurses then I have ever seen in my whole life.

I was so thankful that you had the vey best daddy in the whole world because not knowing it yet he was going to have to rush to Children’s Hospital to take care of you while mommy was left worrying at Missouri  Baptist Hospital.  Dad made sure that you had the best of the best treatment as he never left your bedside in the NICU.

I finally got released to go and be with you and dad.  Unfortunately, daddy had to tell me how very sick you were and the chances of survival did not look promising.  Daddy and I prayed all night long that God would give us a miracle. 

Sadly, when we woke up on Monday morning we met with a large team of the very best doctors in the world.  We watched their hearts ache as they told daddy and me that there was nothing else to do.  You were just too special and Jesus wanted you in Heaven

We spent an amazing night together meeting all of our family and friends, so that they could see how precious you were.  Even Uncle Eddie drove 8 hours from Atlanta just to give you a kiss.  Later that night, the three of us, our new family had the best slumber party ever.  Daddy and I let you break curfew, staying up way too late.  You got to watch football and SportsCenter with daddy, mommy got to brush your hair and put a ridiculous amount of bows and hats on your head, and you even learned how to play “Patty Cake”.  It was a night that dad and I will NEVER forget and hold in our hearts forever!

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011 will always be the saddest and happiest day of my life.  For almost an hour dad and I got to play with you and hold you without all of your crazy wires and tubes.  We saw your entire beautiful face for the first time and fell even more in love with you!  As your life on Earth came to an end, Dad and I held you as tight as we could and told you “Paige, it’s ok to go home to Jesus, he loves you!” 

Even though you are no longer in my arms, you will forever be in my heart, in my thoughts, in my prayers.  You will always be a part of me.  Paige, thank you for 3 of the most wonderful days of our lives.  I know you fought like a champ and we will always be so proud of you for the fight you put up.  Daddy and I love you with all our hearts and we can’t wait to join you some day in Heaven!  Save us spots!

With All My Love,

Sunday, June 12, 2011

1 Year Anniversary

Today Pat and I are celebrating our 1 year wedding anniversary!  I'm so blessed to be married to a wonderful man, a great daddy and my very best friend.  Pat and I have been through more ups and downs in our first year of marriage than most people have to encounter in a lifetime.   Although we have suffered a great loss, Pat and I have managed to become closer and love one another more and more everyday.  He is my rock and my strength.  I thank God everyday that He brough Pat into my life.  I would not want to walk the road of life with anyone else by my side. 

One year ago!
Love...always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:7

Friday, June 10, 2011

Heaven is for Real

Thank you so much for all of the sweet comments, e-mails, phone calls and most of all prayers!  Pat and I are so grateful for your continued love and support as we prepare to welcome our second child to this world.  I can't begin to describe the crazy rollercoaster of emotions I have felt over the past two months.  I am overwhelmed with joy that God chose me to carry yet another miracle to bring into this world.  It's the most amazing feeling and I'm filled with happiness.  Although I am rejoicing for the life inside of me my heart still aches for my Paige.  I woke up angry this morning (I hate when I do that).  I want my little girl.  It's so unfair and it's so hard to understand, yet my heart knows it has to trust in the Lord.  I recently read an amazing book.  It's called "Heaven is For Real".  This book is a true story of a young boy's journey to Heaven and back.  I encourage everyone to read it.  It's an easy read and one of those books you just can't put down.. WARNING... you'll need a box of kleenex near.  This book gave me so much comfort and relief knowing that my Paige is in Heaven.  It validates what I always thought was true, but now I know.  Paige was welcomed to Heaven by Jesus, her great grandpas, her great grandmas her great uncle and many others who have gone before us.  Paige knows her mommy and daddy and one day we will hold her in our arms again. 

Please continue to pray for baby #2.  I will be posting many updates along the way and even some pictures of my growing belly.  This is something I did not do with Paige and I deeply regret it.  I feel like that is nine months of her precious life I don't have now.  So, be prepared for lots of pictures. 

For in Him we live and move and have our being.

Acts 17:28

Monday, June 6, 2011

Our Miracles

It wasn't until Paige was born that Pat and I truly understood what a miracle a human life is.  It's a beautiful thing!  Our Paige was a miracle and she brought us so much happiness and joy in her few short days.  The love we have for sweet Paige can never be replaced.  On April 10, Pat and I found out that we would be receiving yet another miracle!  Yes, that's right... I'M

We are absolutely thrilled and overwhelmed with happiness.  Of course there are a lot of emotions and feelings that we will feel throughout this pregnancy.  I am just about 13 weeks along and feeling pretty well.  Baby Steinhoff #2 is due December 16!  We like to think of it as a little Christmas present from our Paige.  There is not a doubt in my mind that my baby girl is playing a part in all of this.  I know she's watching out for her baby brother or sister.  I went to the doctor this morning and our little wiggle worm looks great!  He/She is very active, of course I can't feel movement yet, but I sure can't wait to feel that first kick.  Here is a picture of our little miracle from this morning...

We are asking for 2 specific prayer requests...

1.  Please pray that this baby is healthy and continues to grow strong.
2.  Please pray for our strength throughout this pregnancy.  We are extremely nervous and we are            doing our best to stay calm.  We're aksing God to keep us strong and faithful thoughout this pregnancy.

...there is no other GOD who is able to deliver like this.

Daniel 3:29

Saturday, June 4, 2011

A Cousins Love

Five months ago today my baby went to Heaven.  It's been a hard five months, but the love of family and friends continues to carry us.  My precious nieces and nephews talk about their cousin Baby Paige all the time.  I LOVE IT!  I love that most of them are old enough that they will always have the memory of her life.  They know she was real, they know that they loved her, and they know that she is with Jesus now.  I hope that they pray to their cousin a lot... I know she's listening.

This past week we celebrated Paige's 5 month birthday.  I use the term "celebrated" because we do celebrate that our precious angel was in our lives even if it was just a few short days.  Pat and I went and got ice cream to celebrate her birthday and so many family and friends called to recognize our sweet girl.  My sister, Maria, takes her kids to Paige's garden each month on her birthday.  Usually, they take flowers and give them to Paige.  My four year old nephew, Cole, had a different idea this month.  Maria told Cole that they would be taking flowers to Paige's garden that day and Cole replied, "No mom, I want to take her hot wheels.  That other kid had hot wheels."  So Cole picked a few of his hot wheels to take to Paige and asked Maria, "Do you think Paige will like the slow ones ok?"  Haha!  He didn't want to part with his fast cars! 

Here are a few pictures of Paige receiving her hot wheels!  I bet they go fast in Heaven!

If these next few pictures don'y show TRUE LOVE, than I don't know what will...  I LOVE LOVE LOVE THESE PICTURES!!!!  Cole and Kate, thanks for loving Paige so much!  I know she loves you with all her heart!

By day the LORD directs His love,
   at night His song is with me...

Psalm 42:8

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

5 Months

Today marks Paige's 5 month birthday.  I can't imagine what my life would be like with a five month old, but it's something I long for everyday!  I want that sweet baby girl in my arms more than anything.  I want to hold her so tight and protect her from all harm.  These thoughts are all part of my new normal.  I'm sure I will have the desire to see Paige, to hold Paige, to kiss Paige and tell her how much I love her for the rest of my life.  Those feelings will never go away.  I'll always long for my precious daughter.  Facing reality is getting a little more bareable with each passing month.  I think I'm realizing that this is not just a bad dream that I'll wake up from.  I have a child in Heaven and I will forever be the mommy that lost her newborn baby to leukimia.  That will never go away.  That's my reality and I have to live with it. 

Pat and I often go and visit Paige at her garden (aka the cemetery).  I used to think the cemetery was a dark, sad place but I no longer have those thoughts.  I feel close to Paige there.  I know only her physical body is there and not her spirit, but yet I long to be close to her and that's where I feel closest to my baby.  I find myself just going there and talking to her sometimes for long periods of time.  I tell her about our family, I tell her about her silly daddy and crazy mom,  I pray to her, I cry to her and soemtimes I just sit there in silence.  Paige is buried in the "Garden of Angels".  This is a part of the cemetery only for children.  It's a pretty place surrounded by greenery.  I often see other parents there "visiting" their children.  I never speak to them, but it's like we have an unspoken language.  A language of love and understanding for one another's pain and broken heart.  We exchange smiles and deep down I know they know just how I feel.  Here is a picture of Paige's place in the garden.

Sweet Paige,
    Happy 5 months baby girl!  How I wish I was holding you in my arms for this milestone in your life, but today I am confident that you are in the arms of Jesus.  I love you with all my heart and miss you more than ever.  I went shopping on Saturday and as I passed the baby clothes I found myself holding onto the most precious swimming suit that would be just your size.  In just two days I'll be finished teaching and I had such big plans for us this summer.  I couldn't wait to take you for walks and go to Aunt Marla's pool and even take a trip to the Zoo.  I'm sure you've experienced all of these fun things in Heaven, but I wish I was the one taking you.  We were going to travel a few weekends with daddy for baseball and have so much fun during the week with all three of us at home.  This summer will be so hard without you.  Our hearts hurt without you.  Sweet girl, your loved so much... more than you'll ever know.  We miss you and we love you!

Hugs and Kisses,