My Sweet Paige

The past three months have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Excitement and joy over the news of our second miracle and the scariness that something could possibly go wrong.  My sweet Paige has been helping me through this crazy time.  I talk to her constantly and I can just feel her presence when I need her most.  Paige will always be our first born child, nobody will ever replace her.  Our future children will learn all about their big sister and how special she was.  We will celebrate her birthday every year and her pictures will never leave our home.  Paige will always be a part of us and our family.  I wanted to share the letter I wrote Paige that my mom read for me at Paige's funeral.  I have not shared this letter on here yet because it is difficult to relive the emotions and the nightmare of that night.  Today I read it for the first time since the funeral (almost six months ago) I went through about six boxes of kleenex but it was so worth it.  I love remembering how special my baby girl is to me. 

To My Sweet, Baby Girl,

Words cannot explain the joy and excitement your daddy and I had when we found out that we were going to have a baby girl.  We made so many proud phone calls that day sharing our life changing news.  Daddy cried tears of joy and mommy couldn’t wipe the smile off her face.  We were the two proudest parents as we anxiously awaited your arrival.  Together with all of our family and friends we prepared to bring you into this world with so much love!

Just like your mom, your arrivals tend to be early and action packed.  Us Steinhoff girls just can’t sit still! After two close calls at Missouri Baptist Hospital and having contractions stopped, dad and I knew that the third time would be a charm.  So on the evening of January 1, 2011 my water broke and dad and I ran around the house like 2 kids in a candy store.  We knew this was it; our baby girl would be here shortly.

I shook the whole time as doctors began hooking me up to monitors and prepared to deliver you.  My heart was filled with so much happiness in anticipation to hold you for the very first time.  How quickly my life turned upside down when I was rolled into an operating room, watched you be pulled from my abdomen and rushed out the doors with more doctors and nurses then I have ever seen in my whole life.

I was so thankful that you had the vey best daddy in the whole world because not knowing it yet he was going to have to rush to Children’s Hospital to take care of you while mommy was left worrying at Missouri  Baptist Hospital.  Dad made sure that you had the best of the best treatment as he never left your bedside in the NICU.

I finally got released to go and be with you and dad.  Unfortunately, daddy had to tell me how very sick you were and the chances of survival did not look promising.  Daddy and I prayed all night long that God would give us a miracle. 

Sadly, when we woke up on Monday morning we met with a large team of the very best doctors in the world.  We watched their hearts ache as they told daddy and me that there was nothing else to do.  You were just too special and Jesus wanted you in Heaven

We spent an amazing night together meeting all of our family and friends, so that they could see how precious you were.  Even Uncle Eddie drove 8 hours from Atlanta just to give you a kiss.  Later that night, the three of us, our new family had the best slumber party ever.  Daddy and I let you break curfew, staying up way too late.  You got to watch football and SportsCenter with daddy, mommy got to brush your hair and put a ridiculous amount of bows and hats on your head, and you even learned how to play “Patty Cake”.  It was a night that dad and I will NEVER forget and hold in our hearts forever!

Tuesday, January 4^th, 2011 will always be the saddest and happiest day of my life.  For almost an hour dad and I got to play with you and hold you without all of your crazy wires and tubes.  We saw your entire beautiful face for the first time and fell even more in love with you!  As your life on Earth came to an end, Dad and I held you as tight as we could and told you “Paige, it’s ok to go home to Jesus, he loves you!” 

Even though you are no longer in my arms, you will forever be in my heart, in my thoughts, in my prayers.  You will always be a part of me.  Paige, thank you for 3 of the most wonderful days of our lives.  I know you fought like a champ and we will always be so proud of you for the fight you put up.  Daddy and I love you with all our hearts and we can’t wait to join you some day in Heaven!  Save us spots!

With All My Love,

Mommy