5 Months

Today marks Paige's 5 month birthday.  I can't imagine what my life would be like with a five month old, but it's something I long for everyday!  I want that sweet baby girl in my arms more than anything.  I want to hold her so tight and protect her from all harm.  These thoughts are all part of my new normal.  I'm sure I will have the desire to see Paige, to hold Paige, to kiss Paige and tell her how much I love her for the rest of my life.  Those feelings will never go away.  I'll always long for my precious daughter.  Facing reality is getting a little more bareable with each passing month.  I think I'm realizing that this is not just a bad dream that I'll wake up from.  I have a child in Heaven and I will forever be the mommy that lost her newborn baby to leukimia.  That will never go away.  That's my reality and I have to live with it. 

Pat and I often go and visit Paige at her garden (aka the cemetery).  I used to think the cemetery was a dark, sad place but I no longer have those thoughts.  I feel close to Paige there.  I know only her physical body is there and not her spirit, but yet I long to be close to her and that's where I feel closest to my baby.  I find myself just going there and talking to her sometimes for long periods of time.  I tell her about our family, I tell her about her silly daddy and crazy mom,  I pray to her, I cry to her and soemtimes I just sit there in silence.  Paige is buried in the "Garden of Angels".  This is a part of the cemetery only for children.  It's a pretty place surrounded by greenery.  I often see other parents there "visiting" their children.  I never speak to them, but it's like we have an unspoken language.  A language of love and understanding for one another's pain and broken heart.  We exchange smiles and deep down I know they know just how I feel.  Here is a picture of Paige's place in the garden.

Sweet Paige,

    Happy 5 months baby girl!  How I wish I was holding you in my arms for this milestone in your life, but today I am confident that you are in the arms of Jesus.  I love you with all my heart and miss you more than ever.  I went shopping on Saturday and as I passed the baby clothes I found myself holding onto the most precious swimming suit that would be just your size.  In just two days I'll be finished teaching and I had such big plans for us this summer.  I couldn't wait to take you for walks and go to Aunt Marla's pool and even take a trip to the Zoo.  I'm sure you've experienced all of these fun things in Heaven, but I wish I was the one taking you.  We were going to travel a few weekends with daddy for baseball and have so much fun during the week with all three of us at home.  This summer will be so hard without you.  Our hearts hurt without you.  Sweet girl, your loved so much... more than you'll ever know.  We miss you and we love you!

Hugs and Kisses,

Mommy