Knife to the Heart

I have a nightly ritual of checking my e-mail before I go to bed... I check my work e-mail, my personal e-mail and my "Paige's" e-mail for Paige's Pretties.  I do this every night!  Last night was no different... right before I went to bed I logged on to my computer and started the nightly routine.  Little did I know this would be a big mistake and cause me pretty much my entire nights sleep.  I was on my personal e-mail and of course like many I get a lot of junk e-mail.  Usually, I just erase most of it without even opening it, but last night one particular subject caught my eye.  Actually it caught my heart... it pulled and pulled on my heart... I had to open it even though I knew it would crumble me.  It did just that.  The subject read "Your 8 Month Old".  By this point the tip of the knife was in my heart.  Why is it that we dive in for more even though we know it's going to hurt so bad?  I opened the e-mail and it proceeded to describe what my 8 month old should be doing and what milestones she should be reaching.  I read every last word!  Why?  Not real sure, but the best I can say is that I was curious.  For some reason I wanted to know exactly what Paige would be doing if she were here.  The knife just got deeper and deeper.  Funny thing is...  I started to worry if she has reached these milestones in heaven or not.  Then I thought to myself... my little girl has gone way beyond these milestones.  I think back to how much I have relied on her over the past 8 months and she has come through for her mommy.  So no, I don't get to watch my baby girl reach all the important milestones but I do get to have the great comfort of knowing that she is doing wonderful things!  My heart just ached and once again my whole body just shook of pure desire to hold my baby girl.  It's a feeling I can't describe.  It's a horrible knot in my stomach, it's barely being able to breath, it's my heart pounding so hard that I can't stand it.  I cried myself to sleep and yet when I woke up my little girl worked her magic once more... she pulled me out of bed, reminded me of all the good in my life, she talked her baby brother into kicking real hard to remind me of the life inside of me, and she helped me put a smile on so that I could face the new day.  I did just that.  I faced the new day.  I faced it with a smile on my face because that is what Paige wants me to do.  Paige wants me to be happy... I feel that in my heart!

Dad update:  Dad will start his second round of chemotherapy this week on Friday.  He will have to go to the hospital tomorrow, Thursday and Friday for prep and blood draws.  Please keep him in your prayers this week! 

Happy are the people whose strength is in You...

Psalm 84:5