Lost for Words

I have been so lost for words lately.  That is so unlike me, I always have something to say.  I can't seem to wrap my finger around it or get a good grasp on my feelings and emotions right now.  I am feeling a lot of anxiety right now.  I am feeling so overwhelmed and scared about these last two months until Landon's arrival.  I'm so scared that something could go wrong.  I would love to believe that just because we had one horrible experience meant that we would be given a "free pass" this time around.  I know that's not the case.  Life happens and I can't control the outcome.  That' hard for me... to give away control of this little life growing inside of me.  I want to protect this precious boy so bad, but reality is that there are no guarantees.  We could feel heartache all over again.  I try not to think that way.  I want to be positive, but once hit with tragedy it's hard to believe that good will come again.  This weekend will be Paige's nine month birthday.  Nine months?  How is that possible?  I lost my sweet girl nine months ago.  As we approach the coming of her first birthday... I have this gut wrenching feeling inside.  I want it to be a celebration of our precious first born, but I am feeling so much pain right now.  It's random times when the grief train hits you.  It just lingers over me and eats away at my spirit.  Last night I sat looking at all of Paige's pictures and belongings.  It still doesn't seem real that we lost a child.   It's so hard to swallow that fact.  I keep thinking back to one year ago.  It was this same time of year that we were preparing for Paige's arrival.  We were painting the nursery pink and buying lots of cute girly clothes.  How much your life can change in a year!!!  That same nursery is now blue and in place of the little hair bows are little sneakers and ball caps.  We now are preparing for this little man to enter our world.  We are so thrilled and excited and blessed beyond belief, but that does not take away the pain of missing my daughter.  I want Paige to be here when her baby brother is born.  I would love to be that crazy mom running after two kids under one... they're my Irish twins!  I also realize that if Paige was here, there is a good chance that we wouldn't be blessed with Landon.  Paige made life possible for this sweet boy.  I know she had a hand in his creation.  So when my days start to fall part and the tears start flowing, I just remember that I continue to push forward, to hold my head high and to keep on going for my boys.  I know this is a lot of rambling, but like I said I'm sort of lost for words lately so tonight you just get a whole bunch of randomness.  I came across this poem and it truly sums up my feelings.  I love you sweet Paige, to the moon and back and as far as my arms can reach!

A heart of gold stopped beating,
Two shining eyes at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove,
He only takes the best.

God knows you had to leave us,
But you did not go alone.
For part of us went with you
The day He took you home.