The Question

With the weather being a bit warmer in the last few weeks we have found ourselves getting out of the house a little more.  We're finally getting the hang of packing up the diaper bag, timing out feedings, and bundling our little man up for a quick errand or two.  While I absolutely love showing off our bundle of joy it is inevitable that during almost every outing at least one person will ask, "Is this your first child?"  Ugh!  My heart about jumps out of my chest and I always feel the urge to vomit.  I've tried giving a quick nod "yes", smile and then awkwardly walk away, however this just isn't acceptable to me.  Although Landon is our only child here on earth he most definitely is not our only child and he is not our first.  Sometimes I will try to explain that I had a daughter about a year ago and that she was born with leukemia and she lived a very short time.  Then the person who I'm speaking to looks at me as though I have just ruined his/her day and walks on as quickly as they can.  I usually end up consoling them and telling them that it's ok.  Seriously!  It is so awkward!  I just hate it!  I want to speak about both of my children and not have it be so weird.  In the past few days I have found myself answering the dreaded question with, "he has an older sister in heaven."  This way I don't have to go into a long drawn out explanation and relive Paige's death over and over again yet I am acknowledging my daughter and her special place in our hearts.  It's crazy how one little question can be so hard to answer.  I refuse to ignore the fact that I have two children.  Paige is our daughter, Landon's big sister, a sweet granddaughter, niece, and cousin and I will gladly tell the world about her.