Heavy Heart

I've been staring at my computer screen for almost an hour.  I want to write, but I can't compose myself long enough to get anything out.  The past few days have been so difficult.  Starting with Paige's due date on Friday, getting unexpected autopsy results on Monday and yesterday my baby girl would have been 1 month old.  These are the first milestones we have hit and boy does it sting.  It's hard for me to handle, I'm doing the best I know how.  My poor husband, I've become attached to him at the hip... like a small child to their blankie.  It's pretty pathetic, but he is so wonderful about it.  I have found myself just staring at pictures of Paige lately.  I mean staring!  I can't take my eyes off her.  How could she be so sick?  I know I've asked this before and I'm sure it won't be the last time.  I just don't get it.  I want to hold her and kiss her and see her sweet face.  I just want my baby girl.  I know she never came home, but yet everyday I can feel her absence.  It's a bad feeling... the kind that makes your stomach turn.  How quickly life changes.  My world has been rocked to the core.  Never in my life did I imagine that I would bury a child.  Never did I imagine that my time with Paige would be so short.  Never in my life have I clung to Jesus so tightly.  Although Pat and I are going through the most horrible time of our lives we know that God is good and doing good around us.  We have to believe that because without that faith we have nothing.  Our hearts hurt so deeply every single day.  We miss our sweet Paige desperately.  We know that we can't walk this road alone, we must rely on God to hold our hands and give us strength and take things one day at a time.

I never get tired of seeing her sweet face! Jesus hold her tightly!