Sunday, March 6, 2011
Lost
Life is difficult and is not fair. I've found that out the hard way. Bad things do happen to good people and we don't know why. It stinks. I'm having so much trouble wrapping my brain around this. Unfortunately, I think I have allowed it to bring me down. Deep down. To say that I'm not having a very good week would be an understatement. I went back to work last week and although my students are great and can make me smile I have had to come to terms with the fact that life moves on even when you don't want it to. My "new" normal stinks. What's normal about carrying a baby for 9 months, delivering the baby one day and then picking a casket out for that same baby four days later? That's not normal. What's normal about going to the grocery store, filling a cart with food, then having to leave the cart in isle 9 and run out of the store because you saw another mommy with her baby and couldn't keep composure? That's not normal. What's normal about having what I call "my own route" through Target so I can avoid the baby section? That's not normal. My "new" normal is no fun. Lately, everywhere I go something makes me think of Paige. Don't get me wrong I love thinking about her, but the wounds on my heart are still fresh and very much there. My heart breaks all over again when I see other mommy's with their babies. I want my baby. I want my Paige. I know I'll never have my "old" normal back because I'll never have my Paige. I'm praying that I can come to terms with this "new" normal and find the strength to get through each day. I'm praying that Jesus can give me some peace in my life. I'm praying that the jealousy I have for other mothers will cease and I can be filled with joy again. I know my road has just begun but I need some guidance right now. I'm feeling lost. Very lost.
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Marissa,
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that I am always here for you. I know none of us can say exactly the right thing, or that we don't know exactly what you are going through, but we all love you, and are here whenever you need us. You continue to inspire me by your strength. I love you!
Hang in there, Marissa. There is no better healer than time. Unfortunately, it often crawls at a snails pace when you most need it to speed up. We are thinking about you daily and praying for you to find peace. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all happen now... Christopher swears he is working on being able to fly. And, by working on it, he means looking for a four leaf clover to wish on. Maybe you could distract yourself from the new normal by looking for one, too? :) We love you!!! Michelle Godefroid
ReplyDeleteHey, this is Nicole's friend Jennifer again. I just wanted to encourage you to think about if grief counseling or a support group would be something that would be helpful to you. I resisted for almost an entire year after Emmett died just feeling like it wouldn't change anything, it wouldn't bring him back... but it ended up being something I really needed. I needed to sit with other grieving parents week after week and deal with how lost I felt and how angry I was, and I needed Jesus to put me back together. Just something to think about. Much love to you.
ReplyDeleteMarissa, life is not fair and few know that better than you and Pat. Everything you are feeling IS normal and all part of the greiving process. No matter how much it stinks. You two are so blessed to have so very many people who love you very much.
ReplyDeleteNow, take your right hand and grab hold of your left elbow and take your left hand and grab hold of your right elbow. Give yourself a GREAT BIG hug from of us who wish we could hold you, but can't.
Love and Hugs, Marcia Adair