If Only We Knew

"If only we knew...." is the saying that runs through my head daily for two things very close to my heart.

If only we knew everything was going to be ok with Landon than maybe I could breathe a little easier.  Maybe I could try to enjoy this last month of my pregnancy.  (Yes, 1 month from today my little boy will be here).  Maybe I could sleep at night and not have every horrible scenario run through my head.  Maybe every time I don't think I have felt him move in awhile I wouldn't assume the worst.  Maybe I could be a better person...wife, friend, teacher, daughter, sister.  Maybe I wouldn't walk around with a shield over my heart trying to protect it from any more hurt.  Just maybe. 

If only we knew that this chemotherapy was for sure curing my dad of this awful cancer than maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad watching him go through it.  Maybe it would be easier on him to keep fighting.  Maybe seeing him in such pain wouldn't hurt our hearts so much.  Maybe knowing that when his last treatment comes in December this nightmare will finally be over.  Just maybe.

Just maybe our lives will become less complicated.  Just maybe this year of so much pain will finally be over.

In this hurt and confusion and uncertainty all I can do is leave it all in God's hands.  It's so much easier said than done.  I want to take control and do everything in my power to assure my baby will be ok.  I would put the cancer in my own body just to take the pain away from my dad.  I don't have that kind of control.  I keep being reminded of that, but it still stinks.  I must have faith that happy times are ahead and God is working his plan. 

Please continue to pray for our sweet baby boy.  Pray for a healthy little guy that will come home with us.  Pray for the doctors who will perform my c-section that they use the greatest care.  Pray that Jesus can calm my nerves and allow me to enjoy these last few weeks of my pregnancy.

Please continue to pray for my dad.  Pray that his pain becomes less.  Pray that he stays faithful throughout this journey.  Pray that his body is becoming cancer free.  Pray that his last two treatments will be the easiest of the bunch.

We thank you for your prayers!