I Miss Her

Yesterday was a very normal day.  Pat and I went to church in the morning and then out to breakfast.  I met with some girlfriends in the afternoon and got a pedicure.  In the evening we went to my parents house for dinner.  Pat and I had a quiet Sunday night at home.  Then it hit me.  Like a ton. of. bricks.  I just cried and cried.  I miss my little girl.  I should have a baby girl.  I shouldn't be able to drop everything and go get a pedicure.  We shouldn't have a quiet evening at home.  We should have a six month old filling our house with giggles, crying, cooing and so much more.  It just hurts... unfortunately I woke up in the same funk I went to bed with.  I try so hard to think positively and keep myself busy.  I try to be thankful for what I do have and what is wonderful in my life.  Yet, through all of that I can't help but to miss her.  I miss holding her, I miss kissing her, I miss smelling her, I miss rocking her, I miss everything about her.  I just feel like screaming and shouting about how life isn't fair.  I get angry and bitter and so very jealous of mom's with healthy babies.  I want my baby and I want her to be healthy.  Grief hits you even when you don't want it to.  Last night I wasn't asking to feel this way.  I wasn't trying to have a pity party for myself... it just comes and happens and takes me over.  Luckily, I have an amazing husband who stands by my through all of these crazy emotions.  He feels them too.  Then just as fast as the emotions take us over, we have to stand up, get out of bed, and start our day.  Why?  Because that is what our Paige would want us to do.  Life continues to happen all around us even when we are feeling that it can't go on.  I miss Paige so very much I can hardly stand it.  Days like this my bones ache I hurt so bad.  When I fall into these emotional holes it is Paige who pulls me out.  She reminds me I have to go on.  I have to continue going on for her daddy.  I have to continue going on for her baby brother or sister on the way.  I have to continue going on because that is what she wants me to do. 

I miss you sweet Paige!  Mommy loves you so much!
I can't wait to hold you in my arms again!


...Your word is my source of hope.

Psalm 119:114