Just a little longer

Only a few more hours of waiting before the big ultrasound.  I can't sleep.  I couldn't sleep most of the night.  I woke up very early this morning with the biggest knots in my stomach.  I feel so ill.  Sick like that turning feeling in my stomach.  With my sweet Paige, going into this ultrasound I had nothing but complete excitement.  I wish I could say the same today.  How naive I was just a year ago.  Yes, I'm so excited to see my little sweetness inside of me but so much fear and anxiety feel me now.  It's strange, prior to losing a child my awareness of problems that could occur during pregnancy was non-existent.  Now, after the loss of a child... I feel like I know so much more.... more than I care to know.  The amount of people who have lost a child at birth is astounding!  Many of the issues arose during pregnancy and were revealed at the big ultrasound.  Things like heart defects, brain problems, spinal chord issues and so much more...  The awareness I have of all these problems makes it so difficult to stay calm.  Nearly impossible.  My mind is racing right now... I am mentally preparing myself for something to be wrong.  How messed up is that?  Mentally preparing myself for something to be wrong with my baby!?!?  What's wrong with me?  Nothing is wrong with me....this is my life now  Unless you have buried a newborn child, please don't judge me.  Preparing myself is a defense mechanism... I can't stand the thought of losing another baby.  It's scary and it makes my heart hurt just thinking about it.  I know this is pretty raw...but it's my true feelings.  I'm only human and I'm doing the best I can.  I ask for your prayers this morning!  Please pray for this precious life inside of me!  Pray that his or her heart has four chambers, pray that all of his or her organs are working and growing properly, pray that Pat and I have strength to handle any news we may receive and pray that we may accept God's plan for us.  Thank you for all of your love and support!  Updates will follow this afternoon....