Unbelievable

I'm not quite sure I have the words to write this post.  I am in utter disbelief right now and I'm trying to make sense of it all.  We have just returned from Paige's autopsy report and I am in complete shock of how very sick my baby was.  Yes, obviously knowing that she was born with leukimia I knew she was very sick.... but today I think I realized just how sick she was.  I couldn't even cry because of the complete shock I was in.  The doctors revealed to us this evening that cancer had taken over our baby's entire body.  Paige had AML leukimia which is cancer of the blood.  We knew this.  When Paige was born she had a "blueberry" looking rash on her torso and left arm.  We thought it was a rash, but no it was actually cancer in her skin.  Paige also had cancer in her heart, trachea, lungs, liver, gallbladder, kidneys, bladder, uterus, ovaries, esophagus, stomach, small and large intestines, pancreas, spleen, adrenals, thymus, pituitary, thoracic lymph nodes and bone marrow. SERIOUSLY?  My poor baby!  Not only did the cancer take over my daughter's body it also caused her poor brain to shift and bleed which caused a stroke.  The stroke in turn paralyzed her right side of her body.  SERIOUSLY?  How are we supposed to process this?  Really, I don't know if I ever will completely process all of this.  We could scream at the top of our lungs about how unfair this is.  How can all of this be dealt to one little baby? Instead we choose to think this... Paige is 100% MIRACLE!  How in the heck does a poor little baby make it 9 months inside of me with cancer that has taken over her entire body?  It's a MIRACLE!  Our MIRACLE!  Pat and I walked away tonight with this thought... we are so blessed!  So blessed that our baby girl fought her little toosh off to make it into this world.  Yes, it was 3 VERY SHORT days, but 3 of the best days of our lives.  For those three days we got to hold and love on our precious child, our miracle.  Although we miss her like crazy and hate that she is not here with us... we will forever be grateful for the fight she put up to meet us!  What a strong little girl! 

On a side note:  To the nurse/nurses in the NICU that had the bracelet made and sent to the autopsy meeting--- THANK YOU SO MUCH!  It is absolutely beautiful and I will cherish it always!  Thank you for loving our Paige and for being so good to Pat and I.  We are forever grateful!

Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. And the former things will not be remembered or come to mind. The sound of weeping and crying will be heard in it no more. Never again will there be in it, an infant who lives but a few days...

Isaiah 65:17, 19-20